Tag Archives: health

Hands extended

Alzheimers, Faith, Family, GOD, humor, hope, Miscellaneous, Mothers, Old Age, Parents, , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Mom looks at her hands constantly….she touches them, rubs and worries over them, she will even comment that her hands look so bad. I beg to differ with her…I consider them the strong symbols for a life lived, proof of her endurance.

wpid-photo-2.jpgYet she, seems surprised by the look of them….I know why, it is a daily reminder of the days lived, her age can’t  be hidden from her hands. All the beauty products in the world can’t conceal the well worn years, lipstick and blush can paint in our youth but, our hands reveal our true self.

Now that she has been overcome by the perils of Alzheimer’s, her life has shifted, she no longer is …”I am woman, hear me roar!”, a pseudo strength that propelled her to raise kids and work after divorce when not everyone was so understanding of her independence…she is although, still somewhat the master of her domain even within the realm of her small world now, it is baffling and yet touching to see these hardworking hands lend comfort to her new friends.

She extends kind words and a soft touch, holding the hands of those precious souls who have her same disease, maybe a little farther gone but, still in need of a friend. I witness hands that once cooked great food and that held my hands across my life, now helpful in the lives of others. She is showing kindness and love and actually ministering there in this home where she lives. I asked her once about her relationship with God, she quickly set me straight….”……..how do you think I ever got through my life without trusting in God!!!!!!!!” Special emphasis on the exclamation marks….she set me in my place! I will forever have hope that was her testimony and now her hands are His hands extended there in her world.

Although she frets the aged-ness revealed in her hands, I enjoy the touch of her gentle hands, the mother’s love that I long for, for which i felt I didn’t always get as much as I wanted, I am blessed to receive now. I find myself noticing my hands more, a few age spots….dang Sun worship.…now I know why Southern Belles wore those cute white gloves….should have thought that one out…oops. I am learning how important it is to connect with people, be present at the moment, especially now when the few moments I get to sit with her are running low.

Life is a gift…..our parents are gifts…..our children and grandchildren are our joy…..Life goes full circle. (I feel like I am about to break out singing The Lion King …….and no one wants that to happen!!!!)
But, I will say one line from an old song…..”put your hand in the hand of man that stilled the water…” and in the hand of someone who needs it. Thanks Mom for holding mine….still.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Put_Your_Hand_in_the_Hand

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Forever and a day

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I have never bragged that I am a patient person, if anything I am bold to say I have NO PATIENCE AT ALL! This is not an exercise in self deprecation, just the cold hard facts …ma’am ……! Since I have never in my whole life (obviously) never…ever attempted to “diet”, this is turning out to be a tiresome exercise in patience.

I have been successful, still losing pounds and inches, but good grief it is a slow process. So, I am thankfull that now nearly two weeks away from ninety days on this journey, I haven’t thrown in the towel, even though I have had a few cheats! (darn you Peppermint Patties!) My dilemma is that I fear I don’t eat enough, as ridiculous as that sounds even to say…I read that your body will shut down and freeze up and not allow any more weight to be lost….wow, really! How do “they” know that? That would be my luck.

I reduce my intake to a ridiculous amount because take out all things white…bread and sugar, there goes all the fun stuff! and I don’t get hungry as much, but then I go without food then WHAM! I am starving all at once, but then I do eat the correct things, so then I am not really hungry for a while. I should be skinny as a rail by now but NOOOOO….not me, still waddling around. So goes my displeasure with the time it takes to move down the scale…FOREVER AND A DAY!…..and don’t even get me started on the fun facts about Menopause. Lord help me!! I am tired of being the chunky slow turtle…I wanna be the fast Jack rabbit!

When did all this happen? How can this be?…..why didn’t I listen to my elders..…they warned me, I ignored them as usual. Stinks to be me today. I know the truth….I am a pathetic whinner……yes I admit it. That’s the first step…but I admit it a lot so time to move on to the next step….I blame no one, I could blame my mamma, but I fear she would have a moment of clarity during her bout with Alzheimer’s and smack me upside my head, Marie would jerk a knot in me for sure! Well probably not, she never hit me once….which could be my problem…hey it may be her fault after all! Hee hee!

Someday I hope to not rant so much, who am I kidding…..I will always rant, it’s my shtick! So I will keep plugging away at this no/low carb way of eating….I need a big five pounds at one time drop in weight, so Lord if you could help a sista out it would be so cool….OR…… you could keep on saving souls, healing the world and all the important stuff. Just ignore the selfish ramblings of this old menopause laden, weight loss losing, trying to find myself again, tired of not sleeping at night, hot flashin’ (not in a good way) driving her husband crazy, wishing I could crawl in a hole and scream……..ooops.…..God praising, spirit led, Jesus loving…...bah humbug….mother of four, and one scruffy dawg, not wanting to clean the house……...oops.….faithful wife and servant of God….AND……apparently NOW BI-Polar (ugh, haha just kidding) whine, whine all the day long…WOMAN…..HEAR ME ROAR!

So goes my day…..good news/bad news is ……..I will survive, only to whine another day….forever and a day, yes! ME!

 

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AGING, Alzheimer’ s and Angels

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There is a major truth about life and that is, we all die. That being said, the process can be a painful especially when faced with a debilitating disease. This process is a reality to many people and a real life come to Jesus for those of us who are the ones forgotten. Well maybe not forgotten just….not remembered.

Everyday begins a repetitive exercise in futility…..not for the precious soul we have lost but for the caregivers. The chronic disease of Alzheimer s is the dark curse of the aged. It is an overwhelmingly diligent disease that never ceases, but only gains strength as the days pass. Those left to cope are nearly as lost, not knowing how to deal with the new person in front of them.

Aging is a part of life. This is played out before us all in nature as an example. A tree starts out a small sapling and grows into a mighty Oak with high branches and long roots. Trees can survive the passing of time unless lightening strikes or a hurricane wind causes destruction. We marvel at the results from the spectacle of ….…“an act of God!” But what about a disease, there is nothing to marvel at there.

The cruelest of diseases is the slow moving root rot or disease that moves in, undetected for a while. Not until a hollow trunk reveals the bitter truth. All is lost, time to cut down. This is the story of Alzheimer s. It is a sly, sneaky bitter disease that is hard to realize at first, but comes on like gangbusters when it’s revealed. The hollow shell of a person is the real result of this dark curse. This “rabbit hole” is not what it’s cracked up to be.

Why does this happen…..how could it be prevented….what did we do wrong? No answer will suffice. There are no answers….only questions. It is like a  depletion of marrow from the bones and not only the precious soul who has the disease but also for the caregivers. It is one of the hardest days on earth to hug your Mother and her politely smile and say “Welcome!”…as if you are a stranger….because you are.

The hollow eyes of our elderly parent are a somber realization of the frailty of life. It is a first person, in your face ……{dramatic pause}…who’s next? When confronted with that question it becomes more real than any of us want to know. This person who birthed me, raised me, has fought the good fight only to be left clueless. Sometimes I think she is the lucky one, not knowing, selfishly knowing is unsettling…..but this is life and aging.

imageMy Mom was never a overly sweet person. She was kind and pleasant and with a big beautiful smile, very personable, but not sugary sweet. That was ok, she was tough, she had to be. Most people liked her, she worked in the public her whole life, she was beautiful and a force. Since her disease has changed her, she is precious, sweet and kind with a bigger personality than before, but she still has a wit, one-liners that always crack me up. As we have watched her downward spiral into this hollowness I see her more like a Angel. Her hair is a beautiful white now, her eyes are weak but seem to stare straight into my soul.

Not being a big fan of the big Angel pseudo worship world, not loving all the figurines and paraphernalia, I still can’t help but see her in this light, a childlike innocence that enjoys every visit, every hug, every holding of her hand. She wasn’t overtly affectionate either, but now she is. I hug her every chance I get….I hug her and breathe in…. her soul into mine.

I wish she knew me, I wish I could lay my head in her lap and feel comforted, but this AGING process is just that, a process. She has aged, she has Alzheimer’ s and she is a Angel to be with. This road has been long and painful, my prayers are for mercy for her and to be honest for us, her three girls, who look after her now, with the help of a great group of caregivers at a beautiful home, where we are comforted she is getting the best care possible. This is not done without help and no one has sacrificed more than my sister she had lived with for eleven years. We all would have done the same for her, but she will and has been blessed for the time spent caring for this woman who impacted us all so much.

Sweet Marie has three young girls(as she calls us now), and  just today she told me she misses and  loves “them”, then she said “I know they love me!” It was music to my ears and joy for my heart. It is sweet to hear her talk about us in such a way, keeping back the tears is the hard part. She had warm and fuzzy feelings for us back in the day, I know that now, a gift to me, a blessing for this youngest daughter. The answer to a question I have asked God many times, such a sweet gift for which I am thankful.cropped-408838_3013208655831_1430990521_33175807_236533728_n.jpg

Who will be next, will it be me? I don’t know and with my memory I seem to be a good bet, but if it is me, I pray my soft side…..(I really do have one y’all! ….Really!!!) shows up and allows me to age with the dignity of this strong southern woman.

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…nineteen days and counting

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I began this trail of tears (and gnashing of teeth) nineteen days ago…..and I swear I thought it had been four full weeks but sadly not yet three. Who knew this would be such an extreme challenge, cut out a few foods here and there, right? Boy oh boy was I wrong! This is real life, controlling the very urge that has been like a warm blankee on a cold night. Discipline is a job in itself.

Is it weird I feel weird about letting go of this ridiculous way of life. It is just a few food choices, not life and death…but it is death, death to a well practiced way of life. My word for this year is FREEDOM with a DISCIPLINE chaser……and the burn comes because one can not be achieved unless the other one is conquered. If my body is actually the Temple of the Holy Ghost? which is what scripture states…scripture for which I live my life by, good or bad…then yeah! I must take note of this fact and live free from what caused me to become corrupt. Not that I am a bad person, just cute for a fat girl…ya know!

Of course I am also a stress eater for which all this denial causes stress “since precious can’t have what precious desires” so say I, being the precious one, all I can think about is French Toast! What a weird thing to crave…I have gotten past so many other craves…..but a few of my husbands homemade french toast and a pile of bacon sure would be good right about now! Which brings me to another bummer of a realization …I “crave” the wrong things…….oh boy! I need to crave the who not the what. It is this war in my head, my mind must be about good not silliness like whats the next food choice. I give way too much credit to this thought pattern. I must be in control….or rather allow myself to realize I am not in control of anything but my own will. And this will of mine must line up with the freedom train!…Am I all aboard?

I have had so much support to “do the right thing” and I am encouraged by it…but nineteen days in…..this could take forever! Although I am weak in my flesh on this day…I will not stop…..I am worth it, my life is not over and if I am hanging around here for “X “ amount of years then I better get my behind in gear and get nineteen more days down the road.

Thanks Lord for the reminder, with your help and the hope of freedom in the future I will choose to discipline myself and forge ahead…….someday there will be french toast again, in small dispensations of course…..and PIE!

 

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Seven days in…..

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SEVEN DAYS IN………please kind sir…a morsel of chocolate? Why all of the sudden I crave sweets….I am dealing with the lack of bread, slowly but sure this tortoise is winning that race. Now this dreaded craving….Maybe a grape jelly sandwich?? Huh, ?huh?……why does it have to be dark and chilly and rainy and ten thirty at night, not exactly good conditions for a junk food run. Not that I haven’t made the run in worse conditions but, I must forge ahead…and be strong.

 

I can thank my level headed husband for cutting a very tart Apple, it was delightful but being an Apple…it has already metabolized and I am left yearning. Seven days in and I now don’t like cheese anymore, who knew that was ever possible…sad. The turkey roll ups leave me wanting, sad. This is going to take some creativity.

 

It seems that when one removes all the crackers and bread and pasta and rice and little sneaks of sweets(okay maybe “big” not so sneaky sweets), one is left with healthier vegetables and meat/chicken

 

McKee Foods - Little Debbie logo
McKee Foods – Little Debbie logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

choices which makes one ..well….grossed out…..sad. I see this is gonna be an uphill climb…if I had a backpack with some Little Debbie cakes it might be doable!

 

Seven days in…..growling stomach, probably should not have skipped breakfast this morning…that was dumb and I will not make that mistake again. Time to go to bed and sleep fast so I can wake up to breakfast…… I wish the cook would forget and make pancakes!…I wish we had a cook….I wish I had a mounds bar!!!

 

Oh Lord help!

 

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Blue Skies……

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Image……I wish this picture could convey the day, the clear pure sky blue straight out of the Crayola 64 crayon box, as well as the spring green of the new tree buds. I am not sure if those are the names Crayola calls the crayons anymore which is aggravating to us old school kids. I want burnt sienna to stay and red-orange, not lollipop red or any other “cute” name. The need to change such trivial things as the names of crayons may seem silly to me but to Crayola it must be BIG!

World-famous Crayola crayons are manufactured ...
World-famous Crayola crayons are manufactured in Easton. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My nostalgia keeps me longing for the past which is the essence of what also can destroy me. I must allow spring to come, making all things new. Fresh oil everyday, fresh thoughts and hope for the future. The now of it all and looking forward to the future joy is what keeps us.

Back to my picture! On this day I was sitting on the deck at my Mothers home, relaxing with the light breeze blowing the wispy clouds, the blue was so poignant, a classic blue and the spring green buds on the huge trees popped against the blue and white. I have told everyone I am with at the time to notice the color of the trees, the new buds of leaves in that bright color. It is a joy to notice. This is why spring is so nice, new fresh colors and smells and HOPE. I am sure it is the artist in me, but spring is as vivid as fall. My Mom has Alzheimer’s and is still with us, she still knows us but her world is now sweet and happy. She seems to not have any worries which is a great joy to me. Even as I say that I am a bit envious….she doesn’t remember all those hurts and wounds she so rehearsed in the past years. While I sat admiring the view and she repeated herself, I could not help but laugh at the quirkiness of life.  All the drama is such a waste……on that porch, looking at this sky was what was real...the here and now.

For me that HOPE couldn’t come at a better time. It has been a long season of darkness. The days became months and then years and the coldness insurmountable. I HATE COLD and coldness. In the midst it appears there will never be an end, yet when the breakthrough comes it is as swift as the wind on the new spring afternoon. The frustration comes when we are not in control….if everyone would just listen to me and do what I say then easy…huh? Poor GOD, I know he wants to smack me and then at the same time he probably feels the same way….silly people!

There are so many tests in this life….so many questions and not enough answers. Like JOB we all are open season for the TEST. I HATE THE TEST…TOO! How will we act or react to a given situation. Will we walk the walk we have talked. What is the first thought? Run like hell usually….if we are honest and I can’t help but be. It takes a bit of re-grouping, re-sizing up the situation, re-minding ourselves of what God says about it, re-alizing that….. but for the grace of God go I, and re-leasing the flow of forgiveness. I know my very life depends on it…even more my soul!

That is the hard one….forgiveness and the releasing of the pain and what pain it is. We have every right to our pain….it wasn’t our fault!!! It is so hard to get past the pain and see the possibility of life without it. The pain has usually been there for a while, during the dark cold, hidden deep in a cave, unable to even look out to see the light. To release the new pain…the band-aide that was pulled off and allow the sore to heal….give it air and salve and dig out the yucky stuff is really the beginning of the healing.

Forgiveness is a gift, a gift to ourselves. Without it we will stay in the pain and never find out it can be better. I tend to look for the happy ending. I always want to know what happened after the book ended and everyone was ok…how did they walk it out? Was it still painful or did it become good again. JOB shows me that God can re-store back to even better.

Once the cave is shut up, let those boulders fall in front of the opening…..the beautiful sky blue can be seen…the spring-green pops out in front of the wispy white clouds. This is the face of forgiveness. Forgetting why it happened (even though that feels impossible for us that have to know the whys!) moving forward to the future.

I have found this forgiveness gift is the gift that heals….a wounded heart needs love and compassion and hugs and kisses and attention and cuddles and more of the same over and over which eventually brings trust and security once again. It must be the groundwork for a huge blessing, going through such struggles…the “going through” part being the key.

Blue skies are all around us…the light wind is blowing…..God is speaking…...be still and know i am GOD! My heart doth safely trust in you Lord…thank you for your freedom to live again and more abundantly.

 

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sleep
sleep (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

The past week has been filled with mostly sleep…something for which I have always adored. I am a big believer in sleep and I don’t ever feel as if I have gotten enough. In my book, good sleep is never being awaken up by an alarm blaring! Getting up on my schedule and taking my time. Laying there just till my back is about to hurt from laying there so long!

But……this last week the amount of sleep I have had has been in  epic proportions…..the short of it is….I have been sick. Started with a cold and has become a full-blown “.…i feel like crap!” episode. About the time I thought I was passed it…BOOM back again!! This has really been a burden because when I don’t want to lay around and nap with a side of nap….constantly…all day….I DO! I got stuff to do…canvasses to paint…ideas swirling around my head. All I can muster up is taking a shower! And that is on a good day!

Why is it always the way? We always want what we can’t have…cold cruel world! These are the times that I think too much….hmmm,….” I sure wish I would take better care of myself”, then I ponder…” if I were to kick the bucket…do they (my family) even know how to do anything around here?” Of course my next thought is evil…..NO THEY DO NOT!!!….then I laugh with a laugh of satisfaction! Okay….I repent…it must be my dreaded sickness!

Brings up an important point….I have nearly everything running pretty smooth, all the bills automatic and such, but it is all the other things. I couldn’t even bring myself to look around the bathrooms…eeewwweee! Will they just become horders? It would at least give them a project! Possibly even an opportunity to get on television! At times like these, I am no better….I sure wish I had a “Hazel” to help out….a girl can dream!

Morbid as it is, it is comforting  knowing that I think I could die now and not regret. Sure I want to see if my younguns’ actually “turn out” and if the Downton Abbey drama continues to be the delicious romp that it is and what about world hunger…..do all those beauty pageant contestants ever solve that one? So many loose ends to be tied. Besides those important tidbits, I pretty much have all my scores settled. I owe no one, with the exception of gratitude and I have told those folks already!

Cover of "Sleepers"
Cover of Sleepers

The drama of our lives is never-ending and sometimes it would be nice to just close my eyes and not remember what all I have been thru (stole that line from the movie, Sleepers) a good line and really sums up the way we all feel some days. My dreaded sickness gets me in this feeling sorry for myself mode!

These days, while I am lying around pitiful and whining about how sick I am, watching sad movies and all the House Hunters (HGTV) I can find intermittently between my naps and all, I think how nice it would be to not remember…..but then I come back to real life and know that first of all, I would have to get better to die and if I weren’t around who would they blame all their troubles on……it is always the Mom’s fault, right!

Anyways…Mad Men comes back on in April and even though I am mad at MAD MEN for dragging the series out so long I still cant resist!! Yes, you have guessed it…I am pathetic…this “latch-key kid” who grew up in the ’70’s does live by the time schedule of television shows. I do better when I am not sick, I do not watch 24/7 but, I still keep abreast of it all. Television was my best friend way back when.

There is no real point today for all this thought-provoking chatter…just a chance for me to say once more…I hate colds!!!! Someday when my dreaded sickness is gone I will go back to fretting about even more silly things…..all in a days work!

 

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This is LIFE!

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Romantic Heart form Love Seeds
Romantic Heart form Love Seeds (Photo credit: epSos.de)

 

In honor of the…(because February is boring so lets make up a holiday), …..special day called Valentines Day, I must take a minute to say, the heart is a fragile yet quizzical thing. A very needed organ for the body, no doubt but, within all the blood flow and reason we breath in and out, there is a mystery.

 

In our lives there are millions of decisions we make…many little choices which change the future of our paths. We make split second decisions all of which create our lives as a whole but, also bring about good and bad. Why is all this left up to us?

 

Is there really a master plan or even a Master who is directing the orchestra of lives, or are we blowing willie-nillie out here without any sense of whats to happen next? Lately I have been confronted with these questions. I had thought I had it all figured out. What a shock to see I have really blown it.

 

Pix Pix Pick Up Sticks & Pixie Pic Up Stixs
Pix Pix Pick Up Sticks & Pixie Pic Up Stixs (Photo credit: Tinker*Tailor loves Lalka

 

It reminds me  of the pixie sticks that I played daily as a kid. No matter how hard I try to gently drop them down so they will not fall all mangled up….they still do. Then one by one…slowly and gently I begin to pick each one up hoping against hope I will not disturb the others.

 

And so life goes….all mangled up. As hard as I try those sticks just get all twisted up in each other…this is life. No matter how we try to stay clear of trouble, free from all the turmoil from all the other sticks, that red one just will not stay off the blue one…some days are just that way.

 

A thousand little choices we make that can change the outcome of our lives and the lives of others. I wish I could see the future, or maybe not. This continual struggle is more than one heart can endure most days. But endure we must….this sick joke called life.

 

The Bible reads….in Mark 9:24…”I believe help my unbelief” says the father with the boy who had been sick his whole life. Now that is a story I can relate to. Maybe not an “official” sickness but, a life of torment all the same….Jesus had compassion on this child and as every mother and father through the years has prayed for their own kids…we all believe with I am sure an element of unbelief.

 

When a heart is broken it is hard to rebuild…..but even so…Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

 

What causes this deficit? What choice was made way back before all this? Or did anything….choices, free will….AUGH!!! My mind swirls even trying to understand it all.

 

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Blondes have more fun….maybe!

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What is it about having my hair done that freaks me out? I feel sorry for the one who does it for me…I am a whiner...(shock I know) to the tenth degree…..I am sorry, publicly to my now hair dresser, Deanna and my previous one back home, Debbie. You both are excellent at your job….and to the new one that is high praise from me since I am very fond of my BF Debbie….it comes down to the old phrase..“it’s not you it’s ME!!

Just coming from my new one….after I had just been there four days ago….yes, I knew I would be back within just a few days….I am now a brunette(here is the problem)  but, for the past five-ish years I have added in some blonde hi-lites, because ….of course that makes me look younger…right? Well, please don’t burst my bubble, allow me this last hope of my inner, young seventeen year old! My need to see my self as a bleach blonde haired girl is strong these days.Give me a pass…it is WINTER!

This is what growing old does to us….MAKES US CRAZY…er! Crazy as it sounds, I have to look in that mirror and see some blonde up top….streaky and light and just a step this side of “trailer park-dishwater blonde hair”, meaning no disrespect to people who live in trailer parks….actually, my only frame of reference here is from the movies, so forgive me for real.

I am reminded of my Mom, when I was young  she had been divorced from my dad for a bit and she came home one day with BLONDE HAIR!!! She also was a brunette/auburn hair girl. NOT ANY MORE!  I was about eleven and my only reasoning for this turn of events beside she had a aneurism…..was my Mom had become a floozie!!! Oh boy….Nothing could be further from the truth….I had a big imagination back then (and now!) but, what I didn’t realize was she needed a change, she needed to escape the mother of five kids, housewife baggage, newly “FREE” from a hard marriage and ready to be her again. I get that now…with age comes wisdom.

Here I am turning older by the millisecond….feeling constantly cold with my brittle feeling bones and dreaded weight gain (have I said before?? how I hate WINTER!!) and I attempted to go back to my natural color….BIG MISTAKE! I can not be in WINTER and look into the mirror with this dark hair…..talk about being in a funk! ugh!! Too harsh for this chick!

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My beautiful Blonde daughter, Bethany!!

SO today, I trot right back over to poor Deanna and get the help I needed…pull out that Clorox bleach, Sun-In or any other potions you have back there and load me up. It is a free country and I can be a dishwater blonde if I want to! I am the boss of ME!! Oh to have my beautiful daughters hair color…..gorgeous blonde……BORN THAT WAY! mind you. Some girls get all the luck.

SO the next time I get a crazy thought I have asked her to not listen to me…..I relinquish all power when it comes to my hair to her….she is my GURU. And as we say in the South when we know there is not a chance in H#&& I will listen to her…..”Bless Her Heart!!!”

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january 2nd…already failed!

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Welcome new year...oh how I loathe YOU.…..the guilt has already started…..yep, I am already late on my Bible reading program, remembered it tonight at church ……at prayer service……ugh….I am a failure already! Okay,…… get caught up tonite, yep…..that is the plan….the mornings are for Old Testament….evenings are for the New Testament….Matthew 1 and 2 (…all the genealogy of Jesus -yada yada…….and the Christmas story, etc. which feel redundant right about now!) and catches me up thru today January 2…whew! Now what I have left Genesis 1, 2, 3 and 4, 5, 6 respectively. So the Creation…Adam and Eve being totally ignorant which cuts all of us out of Eden…ugh! Then the first recorded murder….way to go guys! and all the way up to Noah. Really had a big start first people of the earth…way to GO! Screwed it up for the rest of us.

I suppose it is smart to read Old then New since the old makes me want to scream aloud…HEY!!! Knuckleheads…you HAD IT MADE!!!! So when I read the NEW it makes it all go down a little better, GOD intervened and gave us an out…..and this could not be kinder of him. Don’t you know he was screaming too? Like any “parent” he probably felt the struggles……if he can feel pain, he was sorry for us I imagine. It is so hard to wait and watch…..I know this too well.

So, on the second day of the new year I was already behind in more ways then one…along with the most important one that feeds my soul, I am behind on the walking commitment. Once again, I think in my heart...I WILL DO IT.…I even have had a gentle (she lies!) reminder yesterday. I have a family member who is the same age as my daughter that I just adore. She has struggles with walking; she has lived with a frustrating physical impediment since birth. No person has ever blessed so many through her struggles, actually, because of her FAITH in GOD even though she struggles. Her prayers are straight from God, her spirit is strong although her body frail. Her life is a testimony to her faith and the faith of her parents and sister.

I had posted a goofy New Years Resolutions post on Facebook concerning weight loss—-(FB— Anyone been thinking about New Year’s Resolutions? Me? Thinking about….. doing something about……considering the options……for my ginormous full figured……let’s just say…….personality! (left myself an out there…did ya catch that?) OK your turn……..go!)…….and my precious cousin privately messaged me  and while I was playing cards with my adult kids and and my husband was in the room also….I began to read aloud her message to me…..YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP!!!

AUGH!!!!! Dead men sitting…..she slayed us! The room filled with conviction as she explains how she has worked on being able to walk about 20 minutes a day (she walks in her neighborhood…with a walker…cold/hot weather….everyday!) and she would love to work up to a 5K…!!!!! OH MY LORD! Here I sit…like a slobbbbbb! Too lazy to even walk in the next room to get my other pair of glasses so I ask one of the kids to……I want to stab my eyeballs out….I am un-clean!!!!! We ALL gave an unbearable gasp….then the kids yell…oh great, thanks! They love our precious cousin, they felt the pain I was feeling…we were all guilty…me being the worse(in my mind!). This was in no way her mission…that is not her way, BUT it just happened….I love that young lady and have had God speak to me several times through her.

So to update: Forgot to read my daily Bible verses...check! Avoided taking even a walk to the mailbox…check! and that was just yesterday…January 1st!!! Today I am reminded….although I have had two salads…I still have not cut out the white foods! The doctor said…”if it’s white don’t bite!”…crash and burned…Still eat like a pig?……check! So to bring it all home….on January 2nd…two days into the New Year…..I am already a failure…..

I can do this I tell myself…..I have read the Bible in a year before…actually sooner….I feel confident in that one. I am a preachers wife don’tcha know….perfect and all…PLEASE!!! And a long time ago…like 20 flippin’ years ago (Good Lord, I am so ashamed!) I was a walker…took the kids to school and went to walk at the Baptist Churches Gym with all the “old folks” for which I am one now…I did enjoy walking….. now LAZY though; and then eating right…well….not so confident there. Believe it or not…I have never dieted! Ok I take that back, if you know me it is not hard to believe it….my meaning is I never really had to way back when….B.H. (before Hysterectomy!) I carried a bit too much weight but not in this extreme….I am a reality program! I expect TLC to call any day now!

SO there you have it….I have cut myself open….bleeding and afraid….what to do next? Go to bed, get up in the morning, take my boy to school and try harder. Looking for anyone who struggles also. Feel free to join me in my efforts. Many people have so much to struggle with, I am ridiculous to even compare myself….my precious cousin for one, but she is always smiling. I keep a picture of her on my computer…walking to remind me to get off my BEHIND and make something of myself…..

Tomorrow I get to read about Genesis 7,8,9..the flood, Noah and rainbows and Matthews story of John the Baptist…gotta love that guy! Yes, I peeked ahead…it is so good I can’t wait!!!

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