Tag Archives: God

The lonesome year…….in Honor of my friend


In a few short days the one year anniversary of the death of one of my closest friends will be upon me. She was more than a friend, she was my preacher man husbands sister. From the first time I met her I made it my goal to win her over…..since I have two sisters of my own, I know girls and I knew pretty quick she was a contender.

She was a few years older than my preacher man which was fine until I realized she was my age. I am older also than him……which was not a problem…he was taller!(the logic I had back then!!) To him though, she was the dreaded big sister…and that was pretty much their relationship. This was going to be an uphill battle.

But, it turned out that it was pretty smooth. Me being a person who always wanted to be liked and her need to be the boss of him (not really, but she was already the enemy and I was soon becoming a traitor!)I think in his eyes at least I was on treacherous ground. It was understandable since in ALL families the kids are some days on the same side and on other days mortal enemies. Nothing so shocking about that. I am from a family of four kids…and we had four kids…….drama times four!

We did become fast friends and spent the next nearly thirty years, raising our kids, talking on the phone every day(thank you Lord for the invention of call waiting, that was about the death of me)since to get through the day we had long conversations about anything from baby rashes to the world news and everything in-between. Some days we would venture out of the house to tour the local Wal-Mart or fast food kid meals and playgrounds. Yep we had a big life….oh me!

Our families would hang out and we would cook great suppers and play cards and visit and compare our husbands. The rub was that mine was her baby brother….like I said treacherous grounds. But with many good and bad days…fights and fusses….prayers and intercession we were tight. Our lives were inter-twinned. She was my people….. my sister just as much as my two blood sisters and in the adult time of my life I was with her more.

So after one year with out her I can honestly say it has been hard. It wasn’t fair…we didn’t have enough time. There wasn’t enough time for her to spend with her grande babies. No one loved babies more than her. Where I liked only my kids…mostly, she loved to play with all babies(weird!) but sweet of her. Those grand babies were her heart after her two boys who were her pride and joy. She loved her boys and she was such a better sports mother than me….she was at every event, no matter the distance. In my defense…three kids on three different fields…..exhausting!

I could tell funny stories for days about our adventures, we were a cross between Lucy and Ethel and Laverne and Shirley; many stories are too unmentionable(funny as well as gross!) but most of them were silly, just like we were. We have shopped on the curbs of the finest homes(they leave their “junk” out there to be picked up)(we were recyclers before it was cool)and did every craft that was in style. She would call and say…”you up Ethel?…..lets go eat breakfast after the kids go to school” and we would go….pony tails and sweat pants, we didn’t care.

My loss is in no way anything like that of her husband and boys, but it is my pain. I had the best friend for a time…we were brutal on each other as well as full of love. This has been a lonesome year for me. I cherish my friends and I cherish the time I had with her. I am not sad for her, she is healed and beautiful and happy and where she lived her life to go, in heaven worshiping her Savior. I would not want her to come back to the pain she felt before she passed. I know I will see her again.

So in tribute to her, I post her picture as my header for my blog. This is the place I share my heart and I wanted to honor her in some small way, my way. Jesus knows my pain and he has carried me through. We all have lost people in our lives, I am nothing special but this is my friend…my sister….so this is my way to honor her. If she was writing this she would say…don’t weep for me, give your heart to the Lord, follow HIM, He is the Way, Truth and the Life, He brings peace and he loves YOU!

This is what I say also……Jesus is the only way.

John 3:16
John 3:16 (Photo credit: Martin LaBar)
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A good day!


While driving back this afternoon to East Tennessee, to attend the wedding of a sweet young couple, I was honored to witness the beautiful fall trees. The color was only really pretty at the highest point, the plateau, between Cookeville/Crossville but for a few miles it was a real treat.

Crimson red, auburn, fire hot magenta’s, golden rod and butter yellows, all the brilliant hues that make fall my favorite season. I caused me to ponder (for which I do way too much!) about my life and that at my present age it feels as if I am in the fall of my life. Since this is my favorite season I am not so upset…..with the exception of the season to follow(I will not think of that now though!)

My drive was so nice…bright sunshine and clear blue skies, a great afternoon for driving. The trees were a great bonus to a day filled with happiness for this sweet couple. Their life is only beginning, many days ahead for them making friends and memories. My life has been so much richer for all the people I have met and who I have loved and been loved by over my life.

I was honored to be with some of my old friends on this “sunshiney”wedding day and I have to say it nourished my soul in a way they will never know. It seems that we live so many lives in our one lifetime. As I sat there taking in the joy of fellowship with my posse of friends, I was overcome with the knowledge that I have been so fortunate to have been a part of their lives also.

We talked about funny stories of past experiences and concurred that the funniest things happen in church….seriously if you don’t believe be I have some doozies! The (MY)preacher-mans grandfather always said…”give me my flowers before I die, they do me no good then!” He was the funniest person ever and was so right and I try to follow his pattern. He was a person who did this to those of us he loved. He would always remind me of the first time he met me and that he loved me from the start. Sweet man!

So today I sat with Ed and Jane Hardin, people who nearly raised me and my preacherman, in ministry…they were our most avid supporters, friends, but more like parents. Our lives were crisscrossed over and over, their love was not lacking to us and our children, we were their family, one of their own and they were ours. They made an impact on our lives and will always be Elders in our lives. I honor them and pray blessings on them and all their children and grand children. They also make the best New Years Day feast of anyone I know. I miss that gumbo and boiled shrimp and think of it often…maybe even more than my dear friends….ha ha sorry, I do love my seafood!

Then there is Mike and Denise Yannacone….these two have kept our kids for weeks on

A "Zeedonk", a zebra/donkey hybrid
A “Zeedonk”, a zebra/donkey hybrid (Photo credit: Wikipedia

end)and taken our mutts(dogs not kids!) after I kicked them to the curb (avid animal lovers…suckers in my book! ha)They are our mountain vacation buddies…any one ever seen a Zonkey? They throw great farm parties…skeet shooting and cookouts. They have been friends of great measure, always loving us and standing in the gap, prayer warriors and just a whole bunch of fun. She always remembers my birthday…every year (I am very impressed with that) (because I am awful at that) and someone who I know loves me like a sister. They are good people and I am honored to know them.

The wedding was for the daughter of our most dear ones….not playing favorites, but that was already mapped out before the earth was formed or …at least before I married the preacher man. Wendell has been the preachers life long best friend. They grew up side by side in that tiny town, he was Johnny Paul to my husband’s Opie…. so to speak! It is a toss-up which one of them had the more mischievous mind and probably equal by comparison. Wendell had the good sense and fortune to marry a beautiful woman after being left with four kids in tow. Cheryl was the bright spot for a family who needed loving.

She has been dear to me since I met her. She came by good referral….Wendell’s preciousMom picked her out for him and on a fluke it worked out. I say this because he ain’t that good…..but she is!(ha ha)She was the best step mom any kid could ever have and the best friend I could ever have. She has been a better friend to me than I have ever been to her.

She has hauled my sick gall bladder to the hospital, fought to have me thoroughly checkedout….thankfully because they were going to send me home, cleaned up probably every one of my kids puke…on her floors and furniture to make it worse, helped me with every crazy adventure I have ever gone on, prayed with me, walked with me, held my hand and held me up during the best and worst of times. She is my sister as much as my blood sisters, she even cleaned out stinky rotted fish from my freezer when I had moved away, which I don’t think my blood sister would have done and I know I wouldn’t have done. I am not as good a friend as her nor person.

She is my family! And in many ways all the people I have in my life are too. If I am allowed to be your friend I will be; I don’t allow miles to stop that. My friends have impacted me in ways they never could know and I have learned so much from them all. There are more in my heart near and far, all of which I value and cherish.

Today was a good day for me, I wanted one thing. To be there in some small way for my friend, like she has always been there for me. I didn’t really help her much, did little this and that’s but I showed up and was blessed with a bounty of love and adoration from my peep’s from the past thirty years. My friend Debbie who was a lifeline for me in a time of transition, she was an anchor and the best haircut ever…but more than that she loved me and never judged me as well as defended her friends on every front. I value her and love her. Then, our whole gang who took us in when we were lonesome and in need of a home, a church family and Pastor who too, loved us and let God be God.

That is how it is with people who have a love for God that is real and alive. People who give their hearts and hugs and time and gifts to build up and not tear down. There are too many to name; our lives are so inter-twinned over the years, people have come for a season, some have stood the test of time. All have been cherished and my life has been more rich for knowing them all.

I think I do like the “fall” of my life, I feel more settled and sure of myself. I have been there and back and survived. A bit more wear and tear than I wanted, I meant to take better care but ya know I have had a blast! At least most of the time, the good always out weighs the bad. My fifty-three years …I mean forty-three years …..oops! I forgot I am in the going backward stage! Actually, I don’t fret my age it’s more my over-all breaking down, limb by limb. Now that’s a bummer! Should have been more of an “outdoor Person!”(thanks for that observation Ellis kids…grrr!)

SO…..thank you Lord for my long life of ups and downs and please allow fall to hang around a little longer!

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…it bares repeating…….”Empty”


An icon of a Christian Cross.

When a person is empty it is not the end…but a beginning. This is the time that one is in need of a filling up. Only then are we ready to let go of all of our own wants and allow our needs to be filled. I say this to encourage my own self as I have been empty before. I know how emptiness feels. Lord hear my lament…..

The only filling up that I know is of any purity is to be filled up with God‘s Spirit. God is able to take a frail frame of a man and breathe life into him once again. He gives us the freedom to run as long as we can….then when we have run ….out…..HE is there to lift us up. Lord hear my lament…….

Emptiness is not the worst, it can be the best and today I have faith that HE sees the emptiness of the heart and pours out HIS spirit and heals the brokenhearted. I lament for comfort and peace for a person who feels desolate and alone. I cry out to the Lord for grace and freedom from the demons who have tried to kill steal and destroy. Lord hear my lament…..

Even now, it is hard to find the strength to see hope, but because my hope is in the Lord I do. I know, even through these tears, I will see the victory…even though at this moment my bones ache for the heart of a person in pain and fear on the journey for his life. I pray legions of Angels to camp around and Holy Spirit courage to stay strong. Lord hear my lament…….

God…it’s time …I need you to grant me that serenity……….
Lord hear my lament………

I am broken……

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Going Rogue


Today a person told me that a while back they had gone rogue…which did not turn out well…..which was to be expected. This has been a popular statement since the Presidential race four years ago when the VP choice was Sarah Palin and she was making a statement in her “matter of fact” way for which she was known for. She was going rogue to combat all the, what had to be frustrating, people who seemed to only speak of her with disdain.

This person was speaking of a time in their life when the flood gates of hell opened up wide, seeking to devour his very soul. And as it were, they nearly did. But Gods grace is sufficient and once again another chance is possible. The question I ask myself was, what pushes us to the point where this seems as if this is the only option? When all you do seems to be in vain and the road becomes way to long and hard, even though so many miles have been traveled on the right path……what is the reason for the chink in the chain?

Most of us are able to go along day to day when we have enough money or the car runs correctly or all the people in our lives remain level headed and we are at peace with everyone, ourselves and the Lord. But, (insert any aggravating calamity) when the day runs over, like a boiling pot…..the car breaks down in after work traffic…at a stop light! and it will cost nearly the price of another one to repair and the water bill didn’t get paid and after this awful day, we get home for a hot shower and drip, drip…..no water! AUGH!!! Then one more person asks a stupid question for the billionth time……CALGON…take me away! (but it can’t because NO WATER!!!!!)

What causes us to fall apart and choose to do something destructive……..brownies, ice cream, glass of wine, drugs…..screaming and yelling, spending money we don’t have, or anything that could be destructive depending what is a trigger in our lives. Why is it that at the times of most pressure we snap? Because that is just the way it is…..FREE WILL…….AUGH! again!

Yep, feels like HE has set us up for a fall but, NOOOOOO! HE gives us the ability to think and reason and know what decisions we should make. This is what separates us from the salamanders……this is one of the greatest blessings HE has given us. The opportunity to choose. The freedom to choose. The grace to choose. Going rogue is not an option when it comes to our lives of importance. We have this one chance to “do the right thing” and it seems we fight like crazy to do the wrong thing. AUGH!!

Everything in moderation is a good way to live…but when it involves triggers that can slam us right back at the doors of hell, then NOOOOO……. No moderation…NO nuttin’!!! Nancy Reagan was right! Just say NO! (gee I am very political today…odd) We have to learn that we just don’t go there, wherever our own specific there is. I have to picture the horses that race, they have blinders on that keep their eyes focused on the finish line. They are unable to turn their heads and look right or left, they just look toward the prize at the end of the race.

We are no different. Going rogue is not an option when it involves those choices we make that lead to destruction. I sure wish I could learn this myself ; about the time I think I can handle it……BAMM……triggers all over the place. As a mother some of my triggers are the ones I love the most. It is hard to look at the faces of those precious ones whom you have given your life for and say no. But this is love. As a woman it is hard to look at the face of those precious cakes/hot bread/all carbs!! and say no. As a christian it is hard to look at the face of my precious Lord and say no…….but I do, daily, when I don’t spend time in worship.

He deserves my best, he gave me his best and I hope in my days of rogue-ness I use it to go flat out full force rogue toward HIM!

The first verse I memorized 30 yrs ago

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

A prayer that is becoming real very quickly!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of
Fr1932-2000
ace

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chicken or fish?


These days there has been so much chatter about the decisions some huge companies have made. I do not profess to be a political science genius nor a political elephant nor donkey….most days they all are stupid and don’t get me started on how much politicians spend on campaigns…the national debt could get paid for……ugh!!!.(ok now I am mad again!~)…… .to be honest I tend to wait around till they all fight it out and pick the one least awful. I say this with a grin but, sometimes it is so aggravating.

The most recent ordeal has been over the public statement of the founder of Chick-fl-a Restaurant. Why companies feel the need to make a “choice” or statement is beyond me. They usually have a “mission statement” which pretty much spells it out….. They are who they are. What part of a Christian based company does the world not understand? I saw that the rub came when some political leaders made a “choice” to bash this company…..what a load of stupidity that runs rampant among our leaders sometimes…geeeez! Sometimes they need to “tick-a-lock!” Just shut up!!

This should be a non issue….We get pulled in every time…like sheep into this argument, why do we do it?…..hang with me, I have a point! To be equal ……I ask the question of all Christians. …Do you “choose” chicken or fish?

There is a great big world out there…..a world which we were told by Jesus, himself…..that WE (Christians-followers of Christ) have one job to do….he did leave us in charge, ya know! He had such faith in us…..sometimes I wonder what he was thinking…..but, he told us to …Go and make disciples. My point is……why are we fretting about chicken….our “choice” should be FISH!!

Being “fishers of Men” is our call ……fish for fish……yes this is very simplistic, I know. I am simple about GOD….listen and do what HE says….easy! This world is so bent out of shape making sure our rights are protected whether it be guns or gays.

One question: How are we to be able to fish with LOVE and at the same time acting like fools. Honestly if I were a non-christian or gay or a minority(I am a women, probably still a minority is some arenas!) or any other special interest group (not to offend nor leave out anyone!) some days I wouldn’t touch a christian with a ten foot pole!

LOVE is the only response we should have and if we ever want to make an impact on this world for GOD, I am convinced that my walk should be real. I say this with all humility, I am least of all perfect or even close. I mess it up nearly every day. But a few things I know for sure and one of them is I am not anyone’s judge and If I do not show everyone love and kindness, no matter what our differences are then I have failed in my mission to be a fisher of men.

Lord forgive us for pushing people away. I know what the BIBLE says about sin, but it also talks a lot about GRACE and for that I am thrilled. A very wise preacherman I know has been teaching a lot lately about living the real life and there is no room for hypocrites. Of course he says it much more profound than me, but I am convicted in my own life how many times I have stood on a soap box preaching chicken when I should be fishin’!

I hope that my friends and I have all kinds, feel secure in their friendship with me…..I want to be a friend to the friendless and not so afraid of the worms to go after fish with the zeal of Martin Luther.

A girl can dream!

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chicken or fish?


These days there has been so much chatter about the decisions some huge companies have made. I do not profess to be a political science genius nor a political elephant nor donkey….most days they all are stupid and don’t get me started on how much politicians spend on campaigns…the national debt could get paid for……ugh!!!.(ok now I am mad again!~)…… .to be honest I tend to wait around till they all fight it out and pick the one least awful. I say this with a grin but, sometimes it is so aggravating.

The most recent ordeal has been over the public statement of the founder of Chick-fl-a Restaurant. Why companies feel the need to make a “choice” or statement is beyond me. They usually have a “mission statement” which pretty much spells it out….. They are who they are. What part of a Christian based company does the world not understand? I saw that the rub came when some political leaders made a “choice” to bash this company…..what a load of stupidity that runs rampant among our leaders sometimes…geeeez! Sometimes they need to “tick-a-lock!” Just shut up!!

This should be a non issue….We get pulled in every time…like sheep into this argument, why do we do it?…..hang with me, I have a point! To be equal ……I ask the question of all Christians. …Do you “choose” chicken or fish?

There is a great big world out there…..a world which we were told by Jesus, himself…..that WE (Christians-followers of Christ) have one job to do….he did leave us in charge, ya know! He had such faith in us…..sometimes I wonder what he was thinking…..but, he told us to …Go and make disciples. My point is……why are we fretting about chicken….our “choice” should be FISH!!

Being “fishers of Men” is our call ……fish for fish……yes this is very simplistic, I know. I am simple about GOD….listen and do what HE says….easy! This world is so bent out of shape making sure our rights are protected whether it be guns or gays.

One question: How are we to be able to fish with LOVE and at the same time acting like fools. Honestly if I were a non-christian or gay or a minority(I am a women, probably still a minority is some arenas!) or any other special interest group (not to offend nor leave out anyone!) some days I wouldn’t touch a christian with a ten foot pole!

LOVE is the only response we should have and if we ever want to make an impact on this world for GOD, I am convinced that my walk should be real. I say this with all humility, I am least of all perfect or even close. I mess it up nearly every day. But a few things I know for sure and one of them is I am not anyone’s judge and If I do not show everyone love and kindness, no matter what our differences are then I have failed in my mission to be a fisher of men.

Lord forgive us for pushing people away. I know what the BIBLE says about sin, but it also talks a lot about GRACE and for that I am thrilled. A very wise preacherman I know has been teaching a lot lately about living the real life and there is no room for hypocrites. Of course he says it much more profound than me, but I am convicted in my own life how many times I have stood on a soap box preaching chicken when I should be fishin’!

I hope that my friends and I have all kinds, feel secure in their friendship with me…..I want to be a friend to the friendless and not so afraid of the worms to go after fish with the zeal of Martin Luther.

A girl can dream!

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Dodging a bullet……praise the Lord!


Rarely do I find myself in a situation that shakes me to the core. I say rarely but, these days it feels as if it happens often. Today day has been a especially good day considering it is the day I dodged a BIG bullet...praise the Lord!

I am compelled to explain myself with the above phrase because I will never be able to give the Lord enough praise for the giving me this great gift…a pass of sorts…one that I do not take lightly. I, like most women, am keenly aware of the wonderful mysteries that our bodies hold within all our loveliness. The plain fact is…we got a lot of stuff that can go wrong!

I have spent the last week wondering if mine had failed me…..I say wondering, but it has been more like giving up, hiding under the covers, planning the hearfelt words I was going to give my children so they could live their lives in peace knowing they are loved……. Just like the immortal Fred Sanford….I knew this was it....I was preparing for the worst…..I had been too lucky so far....oh the drama of it all!

Without becoming to medical (since I know so much from watching Dr. Welby way back when…) and even more, too creepy and awkward….I feared that the one peculiar ping pong ball-like lump in a very tricky place in the northern region of my northern parts turned out to be actually triplets (3 pongs!) for which are all benign and they don’t seem to be of the deadly type.

How was that for delicately describing it! Once again….I dodged a bullet and PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!! I am forever grateful and always mindful that they are there looming in all their benign-ness. I will be keeping my eye on them too, little aggravating bubbles in there hurting like crazy only to scare the holy crap out of me! How dare they!!!

Although I hoped for the best I kinda had moments of …Oh Man! NOOOOOO….this would be too weird. After telling my beloved that this maybe the end of me…..his encouraging words were…… that if I check out he is throwing himself in front of a bus!! In his own sweet way the translation was…he couldn’t and wouldn’t live without ME! Sweet Man! That seemed to be the consensus from all my people. Yeah sure I am just that awesome…..please.

This brings up a world wide question, that I believe all women of the universe would like answered….since I am so valuable and awesome with all my awesomeness……..”Then why the heck am I the only one cleaning up after everyone!!!!” BUT whose counting right? At this point I am only thankful that I am gonna be around a while to slush through the dirtiness right along with ya’ll. Hey I can take it if ya’ll can!

For all the other women who have had to hear the other news…the gut wrenching news that I so dreaded hearing…I give you honor and prayers and will buy me some pink shirts to support you and all the moments you stand strong in the face of pain and loss. I am humbled by the joy I have and by your strength to fight the good fight. In my own family there has been loss, my Mother has been through it, her mother and her Aunts. I have a history…..but I call it a heritage of strong women who endured pain and suffering so now there is more help for me. Dr. Welby sure has got some smarts now…thank you Lord for medical science and all the smart people who are called.

My heart is full for you all and I won’t soon forget the fear and fear!

www.breastcancerawareness.com

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Dodging a bullet……praise the Lord!


Rarely do I find myself in a situation that shakes me to the core. I say rarely but, these days it feels as if it happens often. Today day has been a especially good day considering it is the day I dodged a BIG bullet...praise the Lord!

I am compelled to explain myself with the above phrase because I will never be able to give the Lord enough praise for the giving me this great gift…a pass of sorts…one that I do not take lightly. I, like most women, am keenly aware of the wonderful mysteries that our bodies hold within all our loveliness. The plain fact is…we got a lot of stuff that can go wrong!

I have spent the last week wondering if mine had failed me…..I say wondering, but it has been more like giving up, hiding under the covers, planning the hearfelt words I was going to give my children so they could live their lives in peace knowing they are loved……. Just like the immortal Fred Sanford….I knew this was it....I was preparing for the worst…..I had been too lucky so far....oh the drama of it all!

Without becoming to medical (since I know so much from watching Dr. Welby way back when…) and even more, too creepy and awkward….I feared that the one peculiar ping pong ball-like lump in a very tricky place in the northern region of my northern parts turned out to be actually triplets (3 pongs!) for which are all benign and they don’t seem to be of the deadly type.

How was that for delicately describing it! Once again….I dodged a bullet and PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!! I am forever grateful and always mindful that they are there looming in all their benign-ness. I will be keeping my eye on them too, little aggravating bubbles in there hurting like crazy only to scare the holy crap out of me! How dare they!!!

Although I hoped for the best I kinda had moments of …Oh Man! NOOOOOO….this would be too weird. After telling my beloved that this maybe the end of me…..his encouraging words were…… that if I check out he is throwing himself in front of a bus!! In his own sweet way the translation was…he couldn’t and wouldn’t live without ME! Sweet Man! That seemed to be the consensus from all my people. Yeah sure I am just that awesome…..please.

This brings up a world wide question, that I believe all women of the universe would like answered….since I am so valuable and awesome with all my awesomeness……..”Then why the heck am I the only one cleaning up after everyone!!!!” BUT whose counting right? At this point I am only thankful that I am gonna be around a while to slush through the dirtiness right along with ya’ll. Hey I can take it if ya’ll can!

For all the other women who have had to hear the other news…the gut wrenching news that I so dreaded hearing…I give you honor and prayers and will buy me some pink shirts to support you and all the moments you stand strong in the face of pain and loss. I am humbled by the joy I have and by your strength to fight the good fight. In my own family there has been loss, my Mother has been through it, her mother and her Aunts. I have a history…..but I call it a heritage of strong women who endured pain and suffering so now there is more help for me. Dr. Welby sure has got some smarts now…thank you Lord for medical science and all the smart people who are called.

My heart is full for you all and I won’t soon forget the fear and fear!

www.breastcancerawareness.com

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What I wouldn’t give?


It has been about seven months since I said goodbye to my best com padre….and I know in my heart and mind that I will see her again, but when I let myself think about her (like nearly everyday) it is painful all the same. Though she was a woman of great faith and believed to her last breath in the God of healing, she had to receive that healing on the other side. Today her brother, my husband reminded me of just that, through his tears and pain he made known…. God still heals, maybe not in front of us as we pray for, but he still does do what he promises. What I wouldn’t give to see her healed.

The reality of her death comes at me in waves, sometimes slow like a small ripple across my feet when walking on the shore at the ocean’s edge. Other times, like today  a huge thrust of water, salty and drowning, taking me over. I sit and cry as if it just happened. I think how is it possible, I made peace with this, she is healed not in pain, beautiful and happy she is with the one who she longed to worship. But no, painful shock waves encompass my whole heart and once again I cry. What I wouldn’t give to be in worship service with her now.

Many times during my days as I do whatever needs to be done, it crosses my mind to tell her something, funny or crazy or just chatter. We needed no reason to talk, the incessant break down in laughter along with the chronic rehearsing of how we know so much better than anyone else how things should be. Anyone wonder what the next step should be in any given situation…just ask us, we knew! What I would give to go on a rant with her now.

On days like today, I wish I could ask her what she thinks, is she proud of me for what I am doing these days, she could help me count the costs and dream even bigger. I could tell her my fears and she would encourage me to not stop, keep it up….this is what you have always wanted! What I would give to run it by her and have her tell me I can do it.

The frustrating part is that I thought I was okay, dealing with the loss only to realize I may never be okay. No matter who thinks they had the market on her friendship, I know I did. We were sisters through and through. I know I am having a moment of sorrow now, lots of people have been here, but this is my first time. My first loss of someone so dear to my heart. She would comfort me for a minute…..then tell me to snap out of it and remind me that sorrow is for a night but joy comes in the morning(paraphrased) but now I have to just mourn.

I can not comprehend the depth of loss for her sons and her husband, makes me ashamed for my whinny-ness now. No comparison and I know that, but still the same I mourn also. What I wouldn’t give to talk to her again. She made a difference in my life, her life mattered, she was important to us all. I can only hope to make my life count. She always believed in me. No matter if we were in a time of joy or war, she was there telling me to be strong. What I wouldn’t give to be talking on the phone to her now.

So I will be strong and be encouraged because she would fuss at me if I weren’t, she would call me out and remind me that I am way to cynical for all this cry baby stuff. I will make her proud of me and still think of her everyday. Life is too short and too dang funny to not let it pass by without cracking up one way or another…..and I will continue to talk to her in my heart, apparently she is my alter ego in my head…she infiltrated somehow..maybe that was her plan after all……hmmm!

 

 

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GOD BLESS AMERICA


In honor of Memorial Day I must say thank you to all of the brave men ans women who have served to protect us all. Those who joined up or obeyed the draft…you all are HERO’s.

I don’t know how my heart would contain the pain to see my boys be drafted….or even join, as a mother I would assume it would be awful.

My Mom had to let go of her only son years ago. He signed up for the Vietnam War back in ’68/69 and it was awful for her as well. Thankfully he came back to us safe and sound only to be a career ARMY guy, climbing the ranks to Lt. Colonel(I think that was his rank at retiring? (bad sister!)) HE was a hero to me, his kid sister and on this day when we set aside life and remember……

Jim-brother
Tom- nephew
J W- nephew

I say thank you to him.

The coolest of all ARMY dudes! Jim Mcknight!

Happy Memorial Day ya’ll!

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Daddy- James W McKnight

ALSO, lest I forget….My Daddy-James Mcknight, Sr. Korean War

Nephew- James Mcknight, III-Coast Guard

Nephew- Tom Mcknight- ARMY

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