What I wouldn’t give?

It has been about seven months since I said goodbye to my best com padre….and I know in my heart and mind that I will see her again, but when I let myself think about her (like nearly everyday) it is painful all the same. Though she was a woman of great faith and believed to her last breath in the God of healing, she had to receive that healing on the other side. Today her brother, my husband reminded me of just that, through his tears and pain he made known…. God still heals, maybe not in front of us as we pray for, but he still does do what he promises. What I wouldn’t give to see her healed.

The reality of her death comes at me in waves, sometimes slow like a small ripple across my feet when walking on the shore at the ocean’s edge. Other times, like today  a huge thrust of water, salty and drowning, taking me over. I sit and cry as if it just happened. I think how is it possible, I made peace with this, she is healed not in pain, beautiful and happy she is with the one who she longed to worship. But no, painful shock waves encompass my whole heart and once again I cry. What I wouldn’t give to be in worship service with her now.

Many times during my days as I do whatever needs to be done, it crosses my mind to tell her something, funny or crazy or just chatter. We needed no reason to talk, the incessant break down in laughter along with the chronic rehearsing of how we know so much better than anyone else how things should be. Anyone wonder what the next step should be in any given situation…just ask us, we knew! What I would give to go on a rant with her now.

On days like today, I wish I could ask her what she thinks, is she proud of me for what I am doing these days, she could help me count the costs and dream even bigger. I could tell her my fears and she would encourage me to not stop, keep it up….this is what you have always wanted! What I would give to run it by her and have her tell me I can do it.

The frustrating part is that I thought I was okay, dealing with the loss only to realize I may never be okay. No matter who thinks they had the market on her friendship, I know I did. We were sisters through and through. I know I am having a moment of sorrow now, lots of people have been here, but this is my first time. My first loss of someone so dear to my heart. She would comfort me for a minute…..then tell me to snap out of it and remind me that sorrow is for a night but joy comes in the morning(paraphrased) but now I have to just mourn.

I can not comprehend the depth of loss for her sons and her husband, makes me ashamed for my whinny-ness now. No comparison and I know that, but still the same I mourn also. What I wouldn’t give to talk to her again. She made a difference in my life, her life mattered, she was important to us all. I can only hope to make my life count. She always believed in me. No matter if we were in a time of joy or war, she was there telling me to be strong. What I wouldn’t give to be talking on the phone to her now.

So I will be strong and be encouraged because she would fuss at me if I weren’t, she would call me out and remind me that I am way to cynical for all this cry baby stuff. I will make her proud of me and still think of her everyday. Life is too short and too dang funny to not let it pass by without cracking up one way or another…..and I will continue to talk to her in my heart, apparently she is my alter ego in my head…she infiltrated somehow..maybe that was her plan after all……hmmm!



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2 thoughts on “What I wouldn’t give?

  1. So, this is how it is going to be. I do this about Mamaw Hildreth from time to time. And, I can’t bear to think of Ramona. Those crazy yellow roses bloom at the most inopportune time. Just when I don’t want to cry and have my heart hurt. But they bloom anyway. Reminding me of how much I miss her. We weren’t as close as you two, but we had our own history. From the time she became Ramona Fritts. My dearest childhood friend! My cousin! I always thought there would be more time. We always said we would get together when we felt better. The last time I got to really spend time with her was when you all were at my house for Charles’ graduation from the Seminary. What treasured moments! What I wouldn’t give …..
    Thank you for sharing your heart Rose! I love you!


    1. Oh Frankie…please let me tell you how much she LOVED you, her memories were the best of ya’ll growing up, she spoke of them often and about you with great love….you were lucky you got to have her for so much longer. I have two sisters who I love deeply, she was a sister and friend and the closest link to Charles’ childhood so the combo was strong. We talked everyday about nothing at all, raised our kids together, she was with me when Sam was born, the first one to hold him! She made him a lefty! We fought and laughed within seconds of each other. I miss he so bad it makes me sick….I am not sure if her family realized our connection, I know her friends didn’t. Just feeling a bit sorry for myself….I will be better soon…and btw, yellow roses were her favorite as well as mine. And yes I too thought there would be more time…..just goes to show you!


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