Let me start off by saying right up front, I need to check my pride at the door; my claim to fame growing up a country girl, for the first ten years of my life on my beloved farm has been compromised. Not that it’s not true because it is, I lived on a farm…..we had a out house and all! It’s time now to repent from all my ….” Thank God I’m a country girl!” (John Denver and all)…bragging about the splendid life I once lived on the farm. I thought I had street cred but really it was fake news!

To further explain, it was a farm with horses and cows; chickens, pigs and a big ole’ garden and in that garden there were a variety of vegetables, corn, beans, etc. etc! We also had a odd plant named turnip greens (as well as mustard greens, all things green) but because I was immature at the time and the insanely stinking smell they make as they cooked I judged these odd leaf, they have to be bitter and weird things… completely and utterly wrong. Today I repent! Today I must give credit where credit is due… all you crazy people who laughed at me for turning up my pointy nose in the air at the thought of eating greens.. YA’ LL WERE RIGHT! Please forgive me…I was wrong once again.

So forgive me, please…. my dear Granny Maxwell and my lovely Momma, you tried to tell me first, I only liked the raw turnips, given enough salt I loved them. You did your best to convince me, I tend to be stubborn( comes as a shock I know!). But honestly you can’t blame me, the house stunk sooooooo badly! Then, on to all  the school lunch ladies and country restaurant owners who I have snubbed through the years. Of course slopping all my food on top of itself was cruel so I’m only partly sorry to y’all!  Next up is my sweet preacher man who loves them and I have never cooked them for him, I am forever sorry, I was a brat! (By the way, no repenting needed for Salmon Patties, I have eaten those and they are gross, all those little tiny bones (ewe) and they stink even worse and I’m not cooking them, I still maintain my stand on those!) thank you for eating them tonight and liking them and encouraging me to try them, as usual you were right!

Then to my sweet friends here in the ‘burg…. the precious ladies who “shop Amish” for me, bringing me all sorts of garden fare, even teaching me to can green beans… you know who you are, the particular turnip green gals are Glynda and Lois. I listened to y’all and took a chance and with a little bit of Vinegar (eek!) I tried them and WOWIE! They were freakishly great, the tart vinegar mixed with the weird bitter-ish greens, I just don’t know why but I liked them!

My preacherman quizzed my on how I can love cabbage in every way shape and form, it stinks to high heaven….yet snub greens to which I had no answer… seems crazy even to me now, but I can add that greens are a certain taste that I now know would be dandy with beans and cornbread; I get it now……ugh I am just so sad that I let all those years pass by ignoring the greens. I’m sure my granny Maxwell and my Momma are rolling their eyes (in heaven) right about now, but I can now say with pride, honestly and finally without malice…… thank God I’m a county girl!

It’s hard to believe and even harder to admit, that I am old! But then as I reflect on my long…short life it only seems like a snippet of time has passed. It surely has only been thirty-five weeks, I mean really how could his be? I have been married over half of my life. Today is the anniversary for me and the preacherman……thirty-five years ago today!! Who could even believe ones so young could be together since our teen years, okay that was a joke, no letters please!

In my mind it seems like its been only thirty-five days or hours. Our elders tried to warn us…..”enjoy it because it goes fast” they would say. They were so silly I thought, we have plenty of time I thought…..yet they were right. I’m always striving to get it right, one day I will be the perfect wife, homemaker, preacherswife no less, only to feel at this pivotal old age that I have yet to get it. Whatever the “it” is? I meant to plan better and be more supportive and be the wind beneath his wings…..okay that about made me puke and laugh all at the same time!

Thirty-five is a big number, I have some markers in my life one of which was to make it past how many years my parents stayed married and I have already passed that one with flying colors, yippie! I am a success! Yet when I realize that we have been together for thirty-five years its laughable….they said we wouldn’t last six months! Take that nay sayers!!! We win and we will always win because we not only fell in love…we fell in like. Despite all the ridiculous days I put the preacherman through, he continues to like me. He’s such nice man.

The funny thing is we are so much alike, we have the same crazy since of humor and if one day he ever realizes he could have done so much better than me, I would rather be his friend than nothing….he is the funniest person I know, in our family we try to pick who is funniest, our kids say they are….but they are complete amateurs, give me a break! We think alike in so many ways and we knew somehow thirty-five years ago that this was it. I knew this tall beautiful man was my dream boat and if he actually picked me I would never look back.

Soon, in about fifteen minutes! we will be at fifty years of marriage…….piece of cake! That next fifteen years will fly by and I will probably be still feeling like I don’t measure up but I still will be standing on the rooftops shouting that I am the luckiest girl in the world!! He picked me, yes me! And I picked him. I have never regretted saying yes to him and I am humbled that the Lord has kept us to live life together. That has been the magic…..without Him it could have gone either way. We have chosen to stick, chosen to make Him the center of our marriage and it was the best choice we ever made.

So on this auspicious day, 24 April, 1982 I married the charming boy with the big smile who by the way….tricked me and became a preacherman. Surely the smartest decision that I have ever made. He has given me a great life…an eternal life even….I may have never found on my own, four beautiful babies and a hope for a future. I have made peace with the facts about my inability to be the perfect wife….he loves me even though. Happy anniversary sweet husband. Thank you for giving me a great life.

It has been a few months now since my Mom passed away and today is her birthday. She has been on my mind all day….as would be logical, the first birthday since her pass from her life trapped by Alzheimer’s to her eternal life. I am comforted by the knowledge she is no longer hostage to the thief that so brutally took my Mom, yet on this day I long to talk to her.

Although, I have had that longing for a while now, what is worse, talking to her and she not able to respond while held captive or talking to her knowing I am talking to the wind now. Yes is the answer…they are both worse. It’s not fair…but life ain’t fair kids… best we get that learned! I do feel blessed that I did get to hear from her one last time and today on her birthday I feel like honoring her and her memory.

The morning she passed I was not there. I was at work. I am sad by that fact but it is just that, a fact that I can’t change. I went as quickly as possible only to arrive to find her gone in both ways…her spirit as well as her body. I missed her…I was too late…I cried. I sat in my car and cried…..until I looked up only to notice a tiny scraggly dogwood tree with a jumpy redbird…starring right at me….jumping….flapping its wings….a lot…I rolled down my window, watching this crazy bird. It continued to heckle me…I blew my horn…I hollered out, HUSH! Then all of the sudden it hit me…this crazy bird was heckling me for a reason….okay, stop right here, am I saying what you think I am saying? Yep, I am…this bird was talking to me!

I know this seems silly but at that moment I knew that this bird had something to tell me so I listened…to the still small voice….in my heart and I knew my Mom was telling me its ok, she knew I was there…I  wasn’t late at all and it was ok….I would be okay and even more, she was okay! That was all I needed, I was hurt, I felt left out, but she waited for me and I knew it. Call me crazy, yada yada yada…I know it is crazy but I knew in my knower that this was the Lord, if anyone knew I needed this He did and He gave me this and I laughed…laughed and laughed because my Mom was if anything whimsical. Not outwardly so much but only to those she was close to, the girl could laugh!

She had the biggest smile, she really did and the thought of her letting me know, me her baby, that she waited for me, well I was overwhelmed. I could let her go, I had a few years before, I had to, it would have hurt too much had I waited, but now on this day I knew she was at peace. Mind you I was thinking how silly this story would sound, people have crazy death stories, but I just felt sure that this is the way it was suppose to be. After I returned home and went back to work, my friends told me that there is a “tale” or saying about a redbird visiting after a death that was real. Who knew? Hello GOOGLE, lets look that puppy up…well wow, it sure is true, “a cardinal messenger” especially during times of depression or grief! Well that about hits the nail on the head!

All I do know it I was comforted, I do believe the Lord was sending me comfort at this low point, I was alone and sad and I do know that it gave me courage. Just like my Mom, she always gave me courage, she was a real roll model for me in many areas of my life and I am thankful for the time I had with her. A few days earlier I spent time with her, laying beside  her, holding her hands, praying for her, loving her, I knew it would be my last mother-daughter time, just me and her so I took in every minute. She was a fine woman of great fortitude and character. She raised four fine kids and with very few harsh words (to me at least, I was her favorite! and I was super sweet and easy!) and she made a difference in this world; beloved by her family and especially her Daddy whom she loved dearly.

The Redbird was important also because, she told me when I was little that it was her favorite bird, hence I tended to give her gifts with redbirds…china etc. All this a coincidence? I say no…..the God I know means good for me so you’ll never get me to think otherwise. So in honor of my Momma, the woman who was born on this day, December 12th, Happy Birthday! I am sure it is way more fun where you are than here. Enjoy your rest and know that I love you and I’ll try to make you proud.

Four weeks ago today, my life was shaken, I had a ” come to Jesus” event that truly brought me to my knees…but because I am freakishly weird I have committed to myself that until this episode….the test of faith is over and all parties involved are safe at home I will not write about it. Call me crazy or assume I am a party to superstition, its no worries to me…I said it in my heart…let it be written, let it be done!

I will tell another tale surrounding the event I speak of, a event so Scary I should warn anyone who reads…these are the cold hard facts, just the way it happened. Four weeks ago I took a two week vacation …of sorts, not the fun kind but…. it was away from home. Let’s imagine I traveled to Europe and the only place to rest my weary head was a “hostel”… But without the exciting trip to Europe! The “hostel” part was pretty spot on though, no bathroom to speak of without walking many …many steps away (where was that pedometer when I need it) and without a proper bed or any comforts of home. It was hot usually but in the wee hours of the morning it became weirdly chilly, there were constant interruptions and no food in sight and all I really wanted was to wash my face and cry in my pillow.

But there would be no time for such luxuries, every moment was busy, waiting, wishing, hoping and praying. When on the battlefield the pace is fast as well as lonely and you find yourself thinking of better times, making promises and praying that what you had believed all these years was really real. Trying to figure out which magic words would conjure up total freedom from fear….and hoping that we really do serve a great big God, knowing that really faith is is the courage I needed.

The first night was spent making deals, the next night was spent being brave, the third night was spent crying into a thin blanket and by the fourth night I was walking around the halls wondering how people do this, waiting, wondering, searching the faces of anyone who looks official…. hoping for a good sign. By the fifth day with no shower, only a splash of cold water on my eyes…while wearing the same clothes I had had on since the beginning of this test of faith…all I could think of was how I wanted to walk up to perfect strangers and plead for them to believe me as I shrieked…..”I have better HAIR!!!!!”

IT FELT AS IF EACH PERSON I PASSED LOOKED AT ME WITH SAD EYES WONDERING IF I WAS HOMELESS OR ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO NOBODY LOVED! Granted I was a mess, my hair was totally molded on my head, the old hairspray had kept it surely coiffed, stuck in place and I was mortified. My vanity is not so strong, I’ve made peace with my age and the apparent perfect body size that my body seems to gravitate to but I tend to be picky about my hair and this was pushing me to my limits. I needed to make a sign to tell passers by that I can do better, I know I looked awful but I couldn’t help it, I was in the fight of my life and sometimes its just the way it is….and I would do it again but I pray I won’t have to.

Fourteen days and counting and I will be able to put my voyage behind me, all will be right with the world again and back to normal or maybe a new normal, a stronger and faithful  normal, I can live with that. Jesus loves me this I know…even with my scary hair!

Some days the only thing that I can mutter is…Lord help! These are trying times in the world we live. It is so easy to shield myself from the horrors of the world, stay in my cocoon of peace and security and never peep out to see whats what. Life like the groundhog has would not be so bad, the one that comes out once a year to see his shadow…or not. Or would it be?

Growing up in the South you become accustomed to all the “southern charm” that goes around year to year, the stories and the pride and the matter of fact rules we live by. The South is a tough old bird, we have overcome so much adversary…but who hasn’t? That’s not why I love to live here. I love the traditions and pomp and circumstance and the Scarlet O’Hara of it all as much as any Southerner; I love Southern authors and Southern food( a bit too much!)as well as the smoldering, sticky southern heat…sure beats the tar out of the snow and cold we get here where its NOT SUPPOSE TO BE! I mean I am a bit aggravated with all that chill! Just a bit of chill please, fall leaves and crisp cool evenings. Enough of the sub-arctic freeze, thank you.

I love the South for so many reasons it would be hard to pick just one…I guess if I had to clarify a little it would be I love the pace of the South. Not to say that there isn’t hustle and bustle…there is and if you have ever been trying to drive through “Hot ‘lanta” on a weekday afternoon you repent about every ten minutes at all the thoughts swirling in your head. Now that I live in the slow pace of a small city again I am ever humbled at the pure joy of the people here. They are just plain real friends and it is an honor to be here.

The South is alive and well and I am proud to be a part of the traditions and style. It is our job to overcome the sins of our fathers and move forward in love and compassion. We are ALL GOD’s, unique and different and  He is all about freedom and Liberty and Joy!

Lord help us all.

Most things in life aren’t as simple as one, two, three….rarely are steps this plain to see much less revealed. In a year there are twelve months and as I have become older (yikes) these years take less time to move forward…it was only the year of our Lord 1982 just a few short minutes ago. I mean its insanity how fast time do fly!

Although, there is a wierd “quinky dink” that occurs each year….the first three months are the longest, each one of these three months last at least a year!…. and this is because they are the coldest months….one, two, three months are a lifetime. I have given this way too much thought and I am sure my neurosis is painfully annoying to most people as well as it is to myself. If I could only be a bear and hybernate!

The bears are lucky…they eat like wolves all year then they climb in a cave or hole and pile up for their slumber…sleeping away the entire winter, I really think I could handle that! It is not a depression or any kind of medical or pschycotic disorder (I dont think?..hmm) that I have…I just hate cold weather. Hate may be a strong word….I do not use it a lot…but I do use hate when speaking of snakes and the Devil and anything that hurts a child….the big stuff, winter is up there on top.

I know I am a broken record…who cares, right….but, it is helpful to own my stuff….at to least to me! These first three months are cold and dark and it feels dead out side. I have told myself it is a needed rest for the great outdoors, I do get that and I’m not second geussing the Lord on that one but for me, in my opinion who needs it? I am fortunate I live in Tennessee..if I lived any further north, well…….. I cant even think upon it!

I get why people retire to Florida, although that option is out for me considering the first thing I hate is snakes and they slip around all over the place (I know I wouldnt live in Arizona for this very reason, although I do think the cactus with the arms are really cute!)) along with all the other creepers like lizards and scorpians, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera! I do think if I could fall into a house on the beach I could be pursuaded though…..maybe!

Life isn’t as easy as one, two, three…the first, second and third month are but little pentince to pay for the other nine glorious months, I just have to keep my focus on April…this begins the road to freedom…..I was married in April, that is a good thought, although it has snowed in April as well…but I won’t think of that…only good thoughts and soon it will be here before I know it…..Ah lovely spring…see you in a minute!

Here we are again, awaiting the arrival of spring….the solace of winter is a resounding timbrel in my ear that lingers on, harsh and deafening. I am not sure what the real dread is, maybe the dreary scenery, dead lifeless grass and trees or the threat of snow that hovers just above the atmosphere…or all of the passive lull that just is.

The one positive is the quiet. The quiet pause that seems to overflow in my daily life. This pause breeds a lazy spark….Its even painful to have a “get up and go” when the sun doesn’t even Dane to shine, it has one job…shine! Immediately I am reminded it is shining but those dastardly clouds are the problem which are what bring the moisture for which brings me right back to the dread of SNOW! It never ends…this up and down of sunny or dreary. But it does bring the quiet which is nice in its self. I must remind myself to use the quiet like a salve to cure what ails me. God is in the quiet at times, I must join in and take solace in the season instead of complain against what will be, that I can’t change.

The solace of winter is the only way to get to spring, it is the forbidden forest we must pass through to enter the refuge of glory. Maybe I haven’t given winter a half a chance, I did not grow up hating winter, winter brought snow days which meant staying home from school with my sisters eating rice crisppies and milk in the living room, staying in our pajamas all day playing blind mans bluff (no derogatory statement on the visually impaired just a old game we played with a person who is wearing a blind-fold who tried to find the others). A day filled with laughter and comfort, there used to be comfort on snow days but I grew up and had to trudge in the snow to work and then be fearful of people I love getting in a car wreck in the snow…..Geez this rabbit trail can go on for days, maybe the root of this is i am a fatalist?

I know this already…my mind worked like a “movie of the week” which was always tragic (this was before cable when we only had three channels and we had one movie of the week to look forward to) and suspenseful. They usually turned out fine, some may have died but the star was usually fine..I always thought I was the star, and all of mine would be fine which in actuality turned out to be true which makes me wonder why I am so maudlin. I blame winter!

Okay winter, I am going to give you a chance to surprise me, be all you can be, give me the best you got….I do appreciate the days are starting to get longer, its not pitch dark at 4:00 o’clock now, thank you…it hasn’t snowed where I live here in the burg yet, that’s a plus, I have heat and food and a nice home as well as family and friends. I’m doing good, no reason to complain really….whats all the fuss about, why am I so whinny?

I will not be defeated by winter! I will take solace in the quiet and revel in the peaceful days without the hustle and bustle…I can do this….but it makes me hungry for comfort food….ugh I cant win! Oh well, spring is just around the corner…I will survive as long as I stay away form the junk food…..Jesus help!