Category Archives: LIFE

New girl

LIFE, ,

Today I was honored to be a witness to a miracle in the making. One that a year ago was only a pipe dream. The system works and I would have been the last one who would have been a believer.

A young girl on a road of self-destruction found her way to a life, not a new life but finally, A life. Up to this point she seemed to be traveling at the speed of sound in the wrong direction — mostly because of people who were themselves sick. Thankfully, the walls came crashing down and some amazing people came to her rescue, to help her build a bridge towards a life of freedom. A new girl she truly has become.

Congrats to those servants who heed the call to give their time and heart to all the weak in spirit. Your mercy endures and gives strength to the fallin’ ones. Thank you for all you do.

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Payin’ it forward…

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About the time ya start to think the days of pondering the next dreary moment is going to be the high lite of your day, out of the blue (code for GOD) something happens to reveal how much HE really does love you and has the ability to refresh even the worst of days.

This has been the turn of events for me these past few days when my hopes were dashed in the joyous times of a new appliance. Silly of course for most folks, something breaks, go buy a new one. For me it has never been that simple and not blaming anyone but myself, actually not even blaming myself. I make no apologies for the life choices I have made. I promise when it is all said and done — I won!

There is no replacing the moments and days and years of joys and the sorrows (she says with a grimace!) that I have enjoyed over the past many years. That fancy career I am still waiting for hasn’t shown up yet….hmmm maybe it has?

But anyways, a big item like an appliance is BIG in our house. Only to be compared to the time long ago when our family, I was probably about four or five years old, got a phone in our home (on the farm). Not sure if the cool part was the big black telephone or the South Central Bell worker man who came to install it.

We didn’t have many strangers back then show up at the farm. Interesting for a bunch of kids who hovered around waiting for this link to the outside world or at least the latest party line. Jeez this really dates me….ugh!

So after my current dilemma with the three revolving fridges, I felt comforted by the fact I did end up with a brand new one at the same price as the “open-boxed” (code for used junk) one.

I had to channel my inner Ramona for that one. Ramona is my sis in law who passed a few short months ago at a too young age, but only after many years of teaching me how to get things done — and boy could she! By now she would have already been given stock in that large retail outlet. Relentless was her name and getting satisfaction was her game, or mission in life! When she was ever done wrong by a store. She is my new alter ego in my Sybil-esque life I lead. This was a common joke between us two, our Sybil-esque lives. We had to have a “getaway” in our life of raising kids and husbands!

Back to the point, I now have a new fridge and it is glorious, and given to us by a great friend. A new (used from a new home, way newer than mine, stainless steel) Dishwasher!!! It was installed by another great man and friend and bless his heart it took him a while. The old one wasn’t even grounded, which means, um, I don’t really know except he said we should have been electrocuted by now! Good to know!

So it was a process and he was so sweet and patient and would not take a dime for his labor. People really do stuff like that these days? Wow! BUT — drum roll please — get this news!!! This kind man who installed the beautiful dishwasher, which I love as much as the new fridge, who by the way works for a fancy appliance place in a fancy part of town here in Nashville, who I know he is not wealthy (in financial riches, well I think?) but is very wealthy in godly riches as well as his wife, had a BRAND NEW STAINLESS STEEL OVEN DELIVERED TODAY!!!!!!!!!! O.M.G. Can anyone out give GOD?20120214-140807.jpg

Nope and I am humbled and a little embarrassed about the kindness and generosity of this family to us. This was a random act of kindness on top of the already done kindness and it just blows me away!!! No words are grand enough to express my thankfulness and the crazy part is we got two more words of great news from two of our kids that will totally change the future of one of them which is a direct gift from GOD! Proof, as if I needed it, that HE does take care of his servants. And I can not even fathom the extent of what this miracle will do for my child. Praise the Lord!

Now for all the people who are under the covers afraid to even lift their heads out, I feel the pain, that is me. I have a knee jerk reaction most days to do the same thing. And it wasn’t a week or so ago I was there? I am not a woman of extraordinary faith. I am frail and weak when it comes to that gifting. I am the mother of four kids (that alone can kill you!) and a wife (strike two) and a preacher’s wife (bullseye!) so I should’ve been dead a long time ago. I am as whiny and crybaby as the next guy. I fail myself and God daily and I get as frustrated and bored and defeated and anyone else. BUT I do know from where my redemption comes.At the end of the day, I have a true sense of freedom in the knowledge that I am not the one running this pop stand. That is all I need.

My need to control everything around me falls to the ground in the light of HIS love for me. And sometimes hearing of other people’s blessings can be offensive and hurts even worse, even when I put on my big girl pants and not let it make me envy. Yep, sometimes I do envy — for a minute — I am human to the MAX!

I have to testify to the fact that even when I may not be the best at handling life, HE is the best at handling me and my life and for that I will always be HIS. I thank God for my life, my husband, my kids and for the people who HE has out there to love me back.

You know who you are and I pray blessings back to you. You have paid it forward, as I will continue to also.

 

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Power Surge

LIFE

So who is feeding my blog??

Apparently you have to give it a new post nearly everyday. Geez blog, I go from 58 reads to zilch within days of each other…meanie!

I have an odd need to write but only in spurts. Good days, bad days there is no rhyme or reason to it. At least it cured me from being a stats junkie! Which I had become. Self promotion, what it takes, is what caused the power surge on that one day. Of course, I am not big on self promotion. This could be a problem.

So, I am back to writing just because I do. Love it or leave it, this is how I roll!

Poor blog, I will try not to leave you hanging out to dry so often.

My fridge hates me!

LIFE

My fridge hates me!.

…..my new fridge loves me!

LIFE

… since we spoke, I now have a third fridge in fourteen days. But it’s new — made them bring it in the box, all taped up styrofoam and cardboard and straps and binding and everything! The other two were “open box” fridges.

Note to self — always buy “NEW” appliances!

I have ice to beat the band and I am back in the groove in the refrigeration department. I vow to take my own advice on buying new but the only technicality is when it is free! This brings me to my “new” dishwasher — FREE I say! And newer and nicer considering mine wasn’t working.

I could live kicking it old school hand washin’ though I hated it. But when our friend called and said his boss was getting an upgrade (he is well off and just changing because he can) and did I want his old one — YES please! Another friend installed it for us today, bless his heart it was a pain to install, on his one day off.

I am blessed!

So at this point, I have all stainless steel except for my stove. No worries. I am not a stickler for matchy matchy.

Good to know that even practical stuff like this is important to the Lord — he takes care of me pretty good.

Ahhhh!

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Big Fat Fake

LIFE, , , , , , , , , , ,

It has been a turmoil within my head and heart — this life I have, attempting to live pure of heart in the eyes of God as well as live pure in my own eyes. Purity being a relative word, not attempting to be free from all sin or failure. I am a realist for heaven’s sake so the ability to remain that kind of pure would be a failure looking for a place. The purity that I have so desired is a purity of heart — to live without regret or untruths; to be real, if to no one else at least to myself.

I tend to think I am a rule follower. What a ridiculous assumption for me to make — only to find myself following the rules that I myself create. Standards and practices of my own making, not out of any malice but mostly out of necessity. There are things you do and decisions you make sometimes just to get along. We all make life changes and moment by moment judgments that tend to stick, then become a way of life. These are the things which are causing pain and bring me to a place of questions and second guessing.

I was a girl who was lost, wandering without a sense of purpose and not knowing what to do next. Now I am old, not a girl anymore with childish wishes upon stars far away, still hoping against hope there will be a purpose to my life once more. I have become lost in my life, assuming I was living but only to find out I am dying. The very things I hold dear, the people who I have given my heart and trust can’t even be alone with me anymore. Have I changed that much? Am I the shrew I have been made out to be?

I have a bad habit of expecting the best out of people….not judging them but cheering them on to be who they can be. Is this wrong or is it unrealistic? When did the game plan change? Who moved, me or God? What happened to what we had? Life happened.

Life comes and goes, an ebb and flow of rights and wrongs challenging me what will I choose. What kind of excuses do I make to fit, to be like all the other kids. When did the merry-go-round stop and tell me to get off? This must be why I have the reoccurring dream about being lost, left back from my group, wandering around trying to see something I recognize. Being abandoned is probably my greatest fear, a knee jerk reaction from growing up with a family split apart, something I have never been able to stomach. This would be my ultimate failure and yet I wake up each day feeling like a big fat fake. Could this be my thorn in the flesh, the fakeness of my life? The need to be pure in spirit and heart is a need that I feel I have to satisfy.

How long do I go on with the constant pain of lost love and a loss of hope? My big fat fake life is one that is killing my heart and my prayer now is to have the courage to do something about it — help me Lord.

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Big Fat Fake

LIFE, , , , , , , , , , ,

It has been a turmoil within my head and heart — this life I have, attempting to live pure of heart in the eyes of God as well as live pure in my own eyes. Purity being a relative word, not attempting to be free from all sin or failure. I am a realist for heaven’s sake so the ability to remain that kind of pure would be a failure looking for a place. The purity that I have so desired is a purity of heart — to live without regret or untruths; to be real, if to no one else at least to myself.

I tend to think I am a rule follower. What a ridiculous assumption for me to make — only to find myself following the rules that I myself create. Standards and practices of my own making, not out of any malice but mostly out of necessity. There are things you do and decisions you make sometimes just to get along. We all make life changes and moment by moment judgments that tend to stick, then become a way of life. These are the things which are causing pain and bring me to a place of questions and second guessing.

I was a girl who was lost, wandering without a sense of purpose and not knowing what to do next. Now I am old, not a girl anymore with childish wishes upon stars far away, still hoping against hope there will be a purpose to my life once more. I have become lost in my life, assuming I was living but only to find out I am dying. The very things I hold dear, the people who I have given my heart and trust can’t even be alone with me anymore. Have I changed that much? Am I the shrew I have been made out to be?

I have a bad habit of expecting the best out of people….not judging them but cheering them on to be who they can be. Is this wrong or is it unrealistic? When did the game plan change? Who moved, me or God? What happened to what we had? Life happened.

Life comes and goes, an ebb and flow of rights and wrongs challenging me what will I choose. What kind of excuses do I make to fit, to be like all the other kids. When did the merry-go-round stop and tell me to get off? This must be why I have the reoccurring dream about being lost, left back from my group, wandering around trying to see something I recognize. Being abandoned is probably my greatest fear, a knee jerk reaction from growing up with a family split apart, something I have never been able to stomach. This would be my ultimate failure and yet I wake up each day feeling like a big fat fake. Could this be my thorn in the flesh, the fakeness of my life? The need to be pure in spirit and heart is a need that I feel I have to satisfy.

How long do I go on with the constant pain of lost love and a loss of hope? My big fat fake life is one that is killing my heart and my prayer now is to have the courage to do something about it — help me Lord.

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Power Surge

Blogs, LIFE

So who is feeding my blog??

Apparently you have to give it a new post nearly everyday — jeez blog — I go from 58 reads to zilch within days of each other. Meanie!

I have an odd need to write but only in spurts. Good days, bad days, there is no rhyme or reason to it. At least it cured me from being a stats junkie! Which I had become. Self promotion is what it takes. That is what caused the power surge on that one day. Of course, I am not big on self promotion — this could be a problem — so I am back to writing just because I do.

Love it or leave it, this is how I roll!

Poor blog, I will try not to leave you hanging out to dry so often.

Being Pragmatic!

LIFE

I can only start this thought in my head with the looking up of a definition …

PRAGMATIC –– An imperial decree that becomes part of the fundamental law of the land — imperial decree (a decree issued by a sovereign ruler) — pragmatism (philosophy) the doctrine that practical consequences are the criteria of knowledge and meaning and value) … a hardheaded appraisal of our position/a hard-nosed labor leader/completely practical in his approach to business. And to make it worse — realistic aware or expressing awareness of things as they really are.

OUCH! I really felt that!

A wise man once said, “you are a pragmatic person, you are a fixer!” What I felt was a compliment of the highest regard, and I do believe it was from the heart of one who loves me and I do take as a compliment. But after giving the matter more thought, I would have to still say — OUCH!

The truth of the matter — I am this word, in all the forms and that is the bitter pill of it all. Now, on the one hand, it can be great, almost euphoric on some levels. I can get things accomplished when needed, say the things that need to be said, get to the root of the matter. I have been described as being able to get to the guts of a situation, for which I was proud and took as a compliment. I have a need to have the air clean, no need for facade or unreal expectations and a zany need to speak plainly. Refreshing? Maybe. Realistic? Probably not!

That is the burn. And the worst part of this definition for me is the “imperial decree” and “fundamental law” and “sovereign ruler” of it all. Is that my inner mentality? I fear the worst. I have a family gene that tells me it may be true. Many strong women folk in my family tree! Have I set the mold and my expectation of others to abide by it? The problem is that I am not an imperial ruler with sovereign law. I have no super powers or abilities, or the freedom to have judgment of others. I find that I tend to have the “hardheaded appraisal of our position” also. Who needs it? Apparently ME!

This brings me to a position of change which for most people is hard, including me. But then I have this nagging voice in my head saying, “why do you have to back down all the time — why is it better to play along and not have standards or a position”? The another voice says, “forgive the failures, we are all but mortal men.”

I too fail even myself miserably. Who do I think I am, anyways? AUGH! What’s a girl to do? If I choose to live a solitary life, as some that have come before me have, then I can make the rules and live by them and have utter peace and quiet. No one to fuss at, no one to blame. Just me, day in and day out. Alone in my perfect world. AUGH! Or, put up with the status quo. Pick my wars and keep on striving to be content with the lack of respect and pleasures that I deserve. I do deserve that. I have come a long way to know that I DESERVE IT!

But, oh how hard to have what you know is right. Dealing with other people is nearly impossible. We are all coming from different vantage points and training and pasts. This I know — I am not the judge and jury, nor the boss of anyone. I can only say grace over ME. I just haven’t got a clue at what point do I call it a day.

My understanding teaches me seven times seventy, that’s how many times we forgive and I do understand that. Anyone who has ever had a child gets that, but that is a different relationship. When it is an equal one-on-one adult relationship, when is enough, enough? How do you find the balance and why in the world can’t some of these trials and tribulations end? Imperfect people in an imperfect world is the only answer I have.

God only knows the hearts of us all. I can only put it in his hands since I am spent. Good luck with it!

Being Pragmatic!

LIFE

I can only start this thought in my head with the looking up of a definition …

PRAGMATIC –– An imperial decree that becomes part of the fundamental law of the land — imperial decree (a decree issued by a sovereign ruler) — pragmatism (philosophy) the doctrine that practical consequences are the criteria of knowledge and meaning and value) … a hardheaded appraisal of our position/a hard-nosed labor leader/completely practical in his approach to business. And to make it worse — realistic aware or expressing awareness of things as they really are.

OUCH! I really felt that!

A wise man once said, “you are a pragmatic person, you are a fixer!” What I felt was a compliment of the highest regard, and I do believe it was from the heart of one who loves me and I do take as a compliment. But after giving the matter more thought, I would have to still say — OUCH!

The truth of the matter — I am this word, in all the forms and that is the bitter pill of it all. Now, on the one hand, it can be great, almost euphoric on some levels. I can get things accomplished when needed, say the things that need to be said, get to the root of the matter. I have been described as being able to get to the guts of a situation, for which I was proud and took as a compliment. I have a need to have the air clean, no need for facade or unreal expectations and a zany need to speak plainly. Refreshing? Maybe. Realistic? Probably not!

That is the burn. And the worst part of this definition for me is the “imperial decree” and “fundamental law” and “sovereign ruler” of it all. Is that my inner mentality? I fear the worst. I have a family gene that tells me it may be true. Many strong women folk in my family tree! Have I set the mold and my expectation of others to abide by it? The problem is that I am not an imperial ruler with sovereign law. I have no super powers or abilities, or the freedom to have judgment of others. I find that I tend to have the “hardheaded appraisal of our position” also. Who needs it? Apparently ME!

This brings me to a position of change which for most people is hard, including me. But then I have this nagging voice in my head saying, “why do you have to back down all the time — why is it better to play along and not have standards or a position”? The another voice says, “forgive the failures, we are all but mortal men.”

I too fail even myself miserably. Who do I think I am, anyways? AUGH! What’s a girl to do? If I choose to live a solitary life, as some that have come before me have, then I can make the rules and live by them and have utter peace and quiet. No one to fuss at, no one to blame. Just me, day in and day out. Alone in my perfect world. AUGH! Or, put up with the status quo. Pick my wars and keep on striving to be content with the lack of respect and pleasures that I deserve. I do deserve that. I have come a long way to know that I DESERVE IT!

But, oh how hard to have what you know is right. Dealing with other people is nearly impossible. We are all coming from different vantage points and training and pasts. This I know — I am not the judge and jury, nor the boss of anyone. I can only say grace over ME. I just haven’t got a clue at what point do I call it a day.

My understanding teaches me seven times seventy, that’s how many times we forgive and I do understand that. Anyone who has ever had a child gets that, but that is a different relationship. When it is an equal one-on-one adult relationship, when is enough, enough? How do you find the balance and why in the world can’t some of these trials and tribulations end? Imperfect people in an imperfect world is the only answer I have.

God only knows the hearts of us all. I can only put it in his hands since I am spent. Good luck with it!