I can only start this thought in my head with the looking up of a definition …

PRAGMATIC –– An imperial decree that becomes part of the fundamental law of the land — imperial decree (a decree issued by a sovereign ruler) — pragmatism (philosophy) the doctrine that practical consequences are the criteria of knowledge and meaning and value) … a hardheaded appraisal of our position/a hard-nosed labor leader/completely practical in his approach to business. And to make it worse — realistic aware or expressing awareness of things as they really are.

OUCH! I really felt that!

A wise man once said, “you are a pragmatic person, you are a fixer!” What I felt was a compliment of the highest regard, and I do believe it was from the heart of one who loves me and I do take as a compliment. But after giving the matter more thought, I would have to still say — OUCH!

The truth of the matter — I am this word, in all the forms and that is the bitter pill of it all. Now, on the one hand, it can be great, almost euphoric on some levels. I can get things accomplished when needed, say the things that need to be said, get to the root of the matter. I have been described as being able to get to the guts of a situation, for which I was proud and took as a compliment. I have a need to have the air clean, no need for facade or unreal expectations and a zany need to speak plainly. Refreshing? Maybe. Realistic? Probably not!

That is the burn. And the worst part of this definition for me is the “imperial decree” and “fundamental law” and “sovereign ruler” of it all. Is that my inner mentality? I fear the worst. I have a family gene that tells me it may be true. Many strong women folk in my family tree! Have I set the mold and my expectation of others to abide by it? The problem is that I am not an imperial ruler with sovereign law. I have no super powers or abilities, or the freedom to have judgment of others. I find that I tend to have the “hardheaded appraisal of our position” also. Who needs it? Apparently ME!

This brings me to a position of change which for most people is hard, including me. But then I have this nagging voice in my head saying, “why do you have to back down all the time — why is it better to play along and not have standards or a position”? The another voice says, “forgive the failures, we are all but mortal men.”

I too fail even myself miserably. Who do I think I am, anyways? AUGH! What’s a girl to do? If I choose to live a solitary life, as some that have come before me have, then I can make the rules and live by them and have utter peace and quiet. No one to fuss at, no one to blame. Just me, day in and day out. Alone in my perfect world. AUGH! Or, put up with the status quo. Pick my wars and keep on striving to be content with the lack of respect and pleasures that I deserve. I do deserve that. I have come a long way to know that I DESERVE IT!

But, oh how hard to have what you know is right. Dealing with other people is nearly impossible. We are all coming from different vantage points and training and pasts. This I know — I am not the judge and jury, nor the boss of anyone. I can only say grace over ME. I just haven’t got a clue at what point do I call it a day.

My understanding teaches me seven times seventy, that’s how many times we forgive and I do understand that. Anyone who has ever had a child gets that, but that is a different relationship. When it is an equal one-on-one adult relationship, when is enough, enough? How do you find the balance and why in the world can’t some of these trials and tribulations end? Imperfect people in an imperfect world is the only answer I have.

God only knows the hearts of us all. I can only put it in his hands since I am spent. Good luck with it!