Today it is raining and raining and there is rain in the forecast. We have roads that are flooded and it reminded me of a sad but true story of what could have been tragic but because my mother is a smart person it was only a few can vegetables who lost their life…….I grew up until I was 9 years old on a farm near Murfreesboro, Tn. It was located sorta monkey-in-the-middle between Bradyville Pike and Woodbury Pike. It was on Floration road and it had about a mile lane that took you to the house. When I say lane I am not saying a primrose lane; not to give the mental picture of a beautiful poesy and vine-covered path. This was like a tree-lined, rocky gravel and creepy sort of lane that I am not even sure how our car got down it. In the middle of the journey down this lane there was a creek (of course) and it was pretty wide, maybe twenty-five feet or so. The whole time we lived there up until the last 3 years there was NO BRIDGE. Okay, maybe I should give some back story here: I LOVED MY FARM! I was probably the only one except my daddy. Of course it was his idea to buy it, so it goes without saying. My mother and two sisters had to endure many painful times…as women, and to further explain, we didn’t have an indoor bathroom until the year before we moved. Both sisters were teenagers and I was about eight years old. Yep, the old outhouse was it and it was out behind the pig pen, wonder why? We got very familiar with the Sears and Roebuck catalogue because as with all bathrooms there is often a shortage of paper at any given time. Need I say more. I have one brother and of course he was daddy’s little mule. He did like the farm I think; he hunted and fished and explored and it gave him a hard-working character for which he would later need in the Army and two tours in Viet Nam. My daddy had a lot of hope and dreams for the farm he was just a little slooowwww on bringing them about. As a kid it was high adventure for me; I was on the run all the time, barefoot and long blond braids flying in the wind. It was the best time of my life. For everyone else, not so much! Back to the flood. Well on this certain Saturday we had gone to “town” to do the grocery shopping. Back in the day a family usually only went once a week, after payday and usually on Saturday. So all of us girls went with my mother and while we were there it rained…alot! This creek was usually pretty low, we could drive over it at the point where the road was it didn’t really go much above the tires. But on this day it had rained and the creek was up. It goes along with the old saying when you are expected somewhere and you say “I will see you if the Lord’s willin’ and the creek don’t rise!” Well, that’s where that line comes from because back in the country if the creek rises you ain’t going anywhere! So here we go back home, driving down the lane and we get to the creek and of course the creek it way up, I mean to the top of the front of the car. I want to say the car we had been a Ford Fairlane, I think. It was light bluey green and it had these little round glass objects on the corners in the front. I don’t know what to call them, I just thought they looked like a spy glass or something as amazing. A wide car for sure, we could all fit with room to spare and we got to the creek and there was my mom with a decision to make. Do I try it? Will I make it? I wonder how many times she has told him we needed a bridge and a bathroom. How much she must have wanted to get in that car and drive far far away. I wonder if she ever thought about it, ever planned it in her head and her heart. How hard it must have been for her to live that way. She was and is a stronger women than I will ever be. But on this day there was a decision that had to be made. We had a huge amount of groceries in the trunk and inside the car, a lot of money would be lost. Well, needless to say we couldn’t sit there till the rain stopped and the water receded so she went for it! Actually we started to go for it, drove in just a little only the front of the car and then she realized it was a NO GO. So we all got out, a little wet and a few objects floated out. But all was not lost. But the car was stuck! Oh good grief, no cell phones back then so one of us had to walk all the way home and call my daddy….at work…..my poor mom. So he had to get a tow truck pull the car out and begin the process of freaking out! I don’t know if I don’t blame him a little, but in her defense, she had ice cream melting, and she had to get us all home out of the rain. But what transpired was the worst of the worse. Like most families it only takes even a little tragedy to cause trouble but this was a major faux pau! Little did any of us know that this was only one more nail in the coffin of their marriage; there was finally a bridge built, it is still there now with our names written on it and one day I will figure out a way to sneak back to see that bridge and our names. If only a bridge could have been built to save a family from a flood that would ripple on through years of hardships. I guess in every life a little rain must fall; just be sure there is always a bridge to keep you safe and dry.
Category Archives: enjoyment, encouragement
Hearts of my heart
Today (Sept. 21, 2009) I am reminded of two special events in my life, the birthday of two of my sons. One of them will be twenty-two, he is a very tall, beautiful man. His good looks are striking and he is more like me than all the rest. When he was born he was only thirteen months after my beloved only daughter and he was magnificent. He never gave me a bit of trouble, always very compliant and slept through the night almost immediately. He had large eyes and his coloring was from my side…just like my Daddy’s. I was a proud mother. The first two were all their daddy, beautiful blond hair, blue eyes and rosy skin. But this special little boy was all me; well until he grew up and I realized that personality of his is all my husbands! Not to throw any stones…I am just sayin’! I love them both of course so it is okay. I am putty in their hands though, those big puppy eyes are too much for this mom to endure. He is the most quite one of all my children and it seems hard to break through to his thoughts and heart. But when he was young, how I treasured those times when he would stay close by my side and allow me to pet him and love on him. He was my puppy and I was his best friend; sometimes I wonder if he has struggled with the fact of losing his “baby” of the family status, I hope not since he will always be in my heart as just that! Today he is a year older, on to a grown-up life and some other woman one day will have his heart. (fighting back tears now!) She better like me?
The other son will be thirteen! And life has just begun for him…the clock starts now: three years until he drives!(yikes, fighting back tears, again!) But as I think back to thirteen years ago today and my waiting on the next day(I happened to have four c-sections, by the way) which was planned; both of these sons were also born on the same day as UT vs Florida! Needless to say, I wasn’t the most important person on that day, to my husband nor my Doctor! In actuality, he got me finished before the game started..worked out for everyone; the Doctor was finished so he could watch the game (they were born at UT Hospital also, I was doomed!…and my husband could watch in my room while I was all knocked out on recovery drugs so everyone was happy.
When this little caboose(definite last one!) was born, we all were thrilled. The other kids were excited, he was nine years after the other last one so we all had a little playmate that we could cuddle and love and he was the funnest(it’s a word!) toy they had ever gotten. We all were involved and he was a joy. As for me this was the child that was my last-ditch at being young. I was older of course but he rejuvenated me and I realize now that after the next few years of events in my life, this little boy would be what most likely gave me the energy and will to get out of bed everyday. There were days when I was not sure I could even have a coherent thought; yet when I knew I was who he depended on to be the mom…well that was all I needed. I will thank the Lord everyday for this blessed child. He has been the most amazing person and I can not wait to see what a man he will become. I know that when I turn around he will be grown and I will be left only to cry. But for now I have the luxury of his love and attention and he still thinks I am smart; I actually give him about two to three more years and he too will think of new ways to send me over the edge just like his siblings before him.
So today I am both sad and excited. Sad because my oldest three children are off on their own adventures, a time I thought I looked forward to, but was wrong. I miss the late nite talks and the chaos! But excited at what the days will bring this last young son. The world is wide open for him the Lord has such a plan for his life. I have been the most blessed woman to ever live……I am a wife and the mother of four healthy strong children. The road has not always been smooth but it is the path that God has put before me and He has kept me the whole way. I will never deny His leading in my life. I am in awe of where I have come from to where I am today…I know that He loved me enough to die for me and he loves my children that way too. He has a plan for all of them and I pray daily that they will walk in His love and peace and trust in Him. I trust Him to keep them and all the truths that we have taught them will be what keeps them strong all the days of their lives. All we have is our testimony and if I can ever convey His love and provision for me and His faithfulness then I am a success
Great Expectations
Great Expectations
The great expectations of a new year are always, without any amount of humility as a rule a let down. This is even said by a person who mostly always sees the “cup half full” and is always trying to make lemon-aide and put the best foot forward and picking myself up by my bootstraps. I have to say that the awe of the coming new chapters in one’s life are usually met slap in the face with the brutal reality of everyday ho-hum. The anticipation is high but the reality of it all tends to be repetitious and freakishly normal which brings me to the realization that life is what we live and without some sense of purpose it becomes a routine for which I would rather just skip. I say all this to myself only to remind myself that this is the best time to start making better choices with the time I do spend…life is short and much like the proverbial vapor which quickly plumes out into the unknown. Our lives have a purpose for which they were created and that is just what I will pursue. I have thought that I had found my purpose but as I age (ugh!) I am seeing more and more that there are many more opportunities to realize my purpose. Today it may be to help a stranger out a door with her heavy groceries and tomorrow it may be to read to my son who is well above the age to be read to but still loves it even so. I never want to stop pursuing the purpose for my life as if I am done, finis….thththats all folks! Nope…I need to be of use to someone besides myself, I am bored with the mundane and I ask the Lord to direct my paths to those who need what I have to offer…His Love. This is nothing profound but more often it is simple and base. It is a “Magnificent Obsession” to take a title from one of my favorite movies (Jane Wyman and Rock Hudson…btw)it is an unruly unsettling which causes me to never stop trying to share God’s love and His sacrifice for us. I know that I am not worth all he has done for me and yet I understand His passion, only because I am a mother…a love for which has no bounds and one that I can see would cause me to give my life for my children. Poor Jesus but even more poor Heavenly Father who gave up so much for us who waste so much for nothing. I can only start fresh now….expecting greatness and hopefully by His grace will complete the good work He has already started in me.
Blazing Fires
Blazing fires
Today I was reminded of a memory while I was shivering from the cold (have I mentioned how much I hate cold weather!). While I was standing in front of our gas fireplace attempting to get warmer,I thought back to the days when this was the only way to get warm. Back then the fireplace in our old farm-house was two-sided and it was huge and it heated the whole house. The other side faced my sisters and my bedroom. There is nothing like three girls sharing the same room…more fun than a barrel of monkeys, at least that was my perspective. I would say that if they were asked the story would be very different! Anyways,this was not a gas fireplace mind you, but one that we had to haul coal in for. I say a “we” as if I was one of the ones who did this…because of my young age I usually wasn’t. I would watch my older siblings pick up the coal bucket and go out into the freezing dark night and get it full of coal, hands black from the residue and they were just young kids themselves. When you are raised on a farm everyone pitches in and there were jobs for us all. This fireplace was the most magical place of all in our house, with the exception of the “chifferobe” (say that the way it looks, because I know it has a real name but we called it that) that “chifferobe” was very clearly the same wardrobe that Lucy crawled into only to find the land of Narnia. I was convinced of this fact of course and it was in my mom and dads room for safety’s sake and to keep us out of it! There was one at my granny and papa’s house also so it must have been common back then so that people always had an escape route to a better place. Nonetheless, the next best was the fireplace. At night my two “older” (ha) sisters and I would play blind mans bluff by the light of the fire. It was just scary enough in that room to be fun. Now that I think of it that game was sorta like Marco Polo without the swimming pool! Well then, sometimes we would just lay there and talk, my one sister was always one to tell a great story. She has a writers imagination and has always been able to conjure up a new and magical world to make-believe in. This fire back then was big enough to heat up the whole house, of course this house was not so big. It had a living Room and our bedroom and a small room for our parents and we had a porch turned into a room for my brother. So the fire was to be working overtime to keep us warm. There isn’t much better than a real fire, with the beautiful embers glowing that appear to be alive and call out to me. I do feel like if I stare at the fire too long I will inevitably fall into it. It tends to be mesmerizing. You just don’t get all this with a stack of gas logs and a “fake” fire. I don’t actually want to go back to those days but I do see the advantage of a fire blazing and the memory of days when the fire blazed within our own family, before we became a statistic. The days on the farm were numbered and in not too many years we would all leave there. Our family would divide and it would be the beginning of the end, or at least to me. As I remember back to those days I am honored to have lived them and comforted by the fact that I have been blessed with a big family…standing in front of the gas logs and instead of “blind mans bluff” I hear the laughter of my family playing Frisbee golf on the new fangled video system…Wii. Pretty funny actually to watch them all play but even more it is time well spent laughing and arguing and loving each other. And just in case the score isn’t accurately told….let me just say…girls rule! Still and always will! Memories are good. They are simple reminders of how gracious and loving our God is to us. Even the bad memories, make for the realization of His mercy and grace. We are still here standing by the fire, mesmerized by the flames and waiting to make new memories and I still hate the cold weather!
A cup half full
I happen to be a person who looks at life as if …“the cup is half full!” It is not hard for me to remember with thankfulness all the good things that have happened and the great and awesome plans that the Lord has for me and my family. I always like to believe the best about people and I want to try to see life as a gift and make the most of it. I have always had …HOPE. Even when I was a little girl growing up on my beloved farm…life was good. I was in my heaven, the one place that was all mine and where I was most free. I would dream, just like most kids, chase butterflies and watch the June bugs fly, while noticing all the beautiful sights of the landscape. The huge Sycamore tree and my wild daisy field and the apple orchard with the best apples I have ever eaten. I have so many memories of the changing of the seasons and the wondrous sightsof the Tennessee countryside. I believe this is why I had always wanted to be an artist. I could always recreate the scenes on canvas. It was such a beautiful world for which I wanted to always remember. I loved to draw and paint and I would spend so much time pondering on when the day would come that I would take off to New York, live in a snazzy studio apartment and recreate my lovely world on canvas with all my dreams of living in the big city, easel and brushes in hand. And New York….don’t get me started, “That Girl!” with Marlo Thomas was actually me! Needless to say I wanted Danny Thomas to be my father, how lucky was she I thought, her life was so exciting, skipping across the street holding her cute hat, I love hats! Then, what if I was like Doris Day and I met Cary Grant i.e That touch of Mink..…..how fun would that be? It is pretty obvious I have a very exaggerated imagination and I lived through fantastic imaginings. All the beautiful people who lived in that little box in our living room were Miracle Grow for my young mind. It fed me with all the ideals that Madison Avenue had planned for it to. I was the audience they were after, I believed it all, I drank the punch, I was bit! Life was always good! It seemed to me that the world was collectively reaching toward a goal. We were all trying to get there…what or wherever there is. I grew up with aspirations and goals that I never believed wouldn’t happen. It isn’t that I had all the encouragement and inspiration that my two parents could bestow upon me. Nope, zilch, none, nada! My poor mom did her best, she just didn’t have the time, four kids and an awful husband and then no husband at all and working three jobs at one time for years. Then my dad was AWOL! He left and never looked back. So it wasn’t that I was daily encouraged to reach for the stars! But I was told to work hard and to depend on yourself and there’s no free ride in this world so you better get up and get going! We didn’t have very much hugging and lovey dovey–ness. I consider that part odd, how do parents not do that, it is so foreign to me, as a parent, how do you not? But anyways I sometimes wonder if that is why I turned out the way I did. I have always had hope of MORE!
I meet kids these days that don’t seem to have that hope of more. They seem to not have many goals or aspirations. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” They just don’t know…how odd! Maybe it is because we have given them so much. They didn’t really have to wish for things for very long…..boy do I regret those times when I gave in all too fast. They just don’t seem to make kids like they used too! HA! Okay I am treading on a dangerous track now, feeling very old. This brings me back to my initial thought…the glass half full or is it half empty? Life is a struggle sometimes, get over it…grow up already! I know the answer……I got stinkin‘ thinkin‘..haha! Time to get off my lazy rear and get moving…the glass is half full, I have a million amazing reasons to stop pouting and get on with life. I am too blessed to be so whinny! I have fresh clean canvas and nice brushes and paint, time to get busy livin‘! Somebody slap me please, line forms now!
No place like home
“There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…” said Dorothy as she clicked her heels and shut her eyes in hope of returning back to Kansas. I don’t think there are more truer words to be spoken especially when you have been away on a trip. I have just returned from a trip and although it was only for three days it still was so good to be back. I am not sure what was so different this time. As a matter of fact I had felt like I really needed to go, a change of scenery and all that. I was going back to “Home”, the place we recently moved from just two years ago. This was a town I had spent nearly twenty-seven years, actually longer than I had lived in my hometown. But this time It was different. Maybe it’s because my husband wasn’t with me? I don’t know, my youngest son was with me and I went to especially see my three older kids and one of my dearest friends. I had all my “chicks” around me. What more could I have asked for? I think it was that…life had gone on, my kids had jobs and friends and things to do! How dare them…grow up and move on! It is a good thing, I know it is, but wow, it is abrupt to realize…I babied them too much, I did too much for them, I allowed them to lean on me for not just support but all the answers. Of course they would probably say that I didn’t help them at all and I was hard on them…..and I was at times, I knew what needed to be done but I was always there with the safety net. Now they have grown past the net. When I went upstairs at my friend’s house, for which I could never thank enough for allowing by daughter to live there, by the way. When I went up to see her bedroom…it was cute and my friend had bought a new bedspread and all just for her, and my daughter had put her own style into it, I was so happy for her and at the same time…I was heartbroken, I couldn’t swoop in and take care of her. My beloved baby girl was living in someone elses house…she figured it all out without my help. UGH! Why does this affect me so much, it’s silly. This is what I want, what I have harped about for ever, “make your own way, figure it out, you are smart, you can do this!” This was my mantra for them and yet I am in tears because I am not the one helping. OMG! It is psychotic…..being a mother is a life of torment! HA! And I am not even going to start on my other two, boys, wow what an awful dynamic. They are gonna have potential wives and I just don’t think I will survive. I am so close to them and I need those women to want to be close to me……Lord take me now please! So I had a good trip but I had never missed my “new home” so much. Even my thirteen year old, who has begged to move back told me he was done with there…he liked his new world. Now this is not to say that we don’t like that town it is more that we have gotten comfortable where we are now. This is normal and the way it should be. I have prayed fervently for him to be settled and not always looking back. It has now happened and that is a blessing. Now he can look at his past time there as a fond memory and it will always be what he cherishes most. As for me I have a new dedication to my life here with my lovely husband and I am even more fond of him, he is still my very best friend in all the world and the love of my life and I love our life and ministry here together. I am a blessed women with a true blue husband and four beautiful children and a church family I love, as well as an extended family I get to see as often as I like. Just like Dorothy I am reminded how our lives are intertwined with so many others and we need each other to know true happiness and the joy that comes from the love of other people. Yes Dorothy, there is no place like home and home is not just where your heart is…it is also where your own bed is! HA!
Onward Christian Soldier
I have been in a very contemplative frame of mind lately….dangerous for sure! The past four days I have been on a journey to live; i.e. walking to live actually. I am also correcting my way of eating and let me be the millionth to say and even realize this…..that is the hardest part. It is all about the mastering of my mind. Well actually it is more the mastering of my flesh. There is a scripture that says..”the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!” I am not bold enough to believe that “I” can do this on my own….only with God’s help will I ever get very far along this journey. I have finally fought the battle of fear….or at least one of the wars for which I have been in for a very long time. Just like most of the valleys I have come through in my life, I see now that the valley was actually more like a small crevice that appeared to be larger than life. It is amazing how my mind can turn and form a thought pattern into such a self-destructive force. I have dealt with fear my whole life. Or really from the age of ten. I think that is what happens when there is a rip in your universe. As much as I wanted to be happy and feel secure, my mind would not allow it. I had always thought of life as one big “movie of the week.” When I was young we had three channels(back in the good old days!)(and TV was free, don’t get me started!ha) and on one of them there was always a movie of the week. This was about the time that the tragic stories immersed on the scene; all writers were writing the same kind it seemed and they all had to do with 747 plane crashes and towering inferno and little girls lost. I know that I am “dating” myself but back in the ’70’s it was all about action and major calamities. This is enough to scare ya to death or it did me. So as I grew up it seemed I always thought along those lines…” what would be the end result?” What if I did have great experiences and get a little farther away from home or what if I try to venture out into the unknown world? When you think that way you tend to allow fear to rule and reign and you keep from even enjoying life because you are frozen with horrible thoughts of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now, I would think that this would change when I had learned of the great and wonderful plan of Salvation. There was an escape route…so what if I had to come to my demise…there was heaven waiting for me. Cool and even cooler the more I learned about this “Magnificent Obsession” (good movie by the way, an old one)I was obsessed with the love of Jesus, yeah me! But then I had children…the story begins again…kidnapping and falling in old wells and sex, drugs and rock n roll(haha). Whats a mother to do..but worry. So once again fear surrounds me. Then life happens, things don’t always end well….much of the life that happens hangs around my neck like an albatross, weighing me down, day in and day out and one day you wake up and ding, ding, ding! I lived…..the devil had thrown all he could muster and I have survived…maybe a little worse for wear but also a lot wiser. A certain profit once said…(paraphrased)”Believe Jesus and mind him!”…WOW! That’s a whole lot of my problem…not the believing part..the minding part! I am not very good at allowing someone else to be the boss of me! Ha! As if I am in charge anyways….makes me laugh still. What part of resting in the Lord don’t I get? I seem to like to carry the heavy bag of worry and fear and faith-less-ness! GRRRR! So this brings me to today…walking to live! Unloading the big old bag of junk and allowing the Lord to take care of me, not blindly or as a stepford wife…anyone who knows me knows I am the least stepford wifey one of all. But that is what faith is all about..believing even though I am not seeing…yet! These little steps I am taking are steps closer to HIM and farther from the one who only wishes to instill fear. The Wizard of OZ couldn’t stay hid behind that curtain forever and it is time for me to let my faithful dog, Buddy help me pull the curtain back and see it’s all smoke and mirrors. Boo! I can do all things through Christ……yippie! Good news for all of us who are weary and are heavy laden. So even through the aches and pains of my half a century old body and the comfortable lifestyle I have become accustomed to I will walk and I will eat well and eat to live and not to fill voids and for no darn good reason. I would like to dramatize it all but it comes down to plain old lazy and allowing myself to be willful and not caring about my family enough to live the way Christ would have me to live…how wasteful of me. Thanks Lord for mercy and for the love I have been given. Onward Christian Soldier!!!!March!
Looking Back
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2010
Looking Back
A couple of weeks ago, I traveled back in time a bit to visit my old home place that I have spoken of often. It was a revelation that I was not prepared to have. This was the farm that I had lived on for the first 10 years of my life and the farm I had not been back to since the day I had left and there lies the problem. This farm was forever etched in my brain and my heart. It was a glorious wonderland of sycamore trees, a flowing creek and daisy fields. There was an apple orchard in the back field and a thicket of saplings that we had played in, built forts and created a whole new world for only the young. As we drove down the lane, which is much shorter now, over the “skinny” bridge that my daddy and papa had built, finally, after about 8 years of driving across the creek in our old Ford. We never knew if we would make it each time and on those special occasions when the creek was high, well, it wasn’t pretty! That bridge was larger at the time it was built, and we kids had written our names in the concrete, but on this visit it felt like driving tight rope. As we drove farther up, I noticed someone had built a house to the right…. what was that doing there? who in their right mind would put a house there, ridiculous!… as we drove further, I saw the “really” old home place that had always been there. This was an old house way back then, that I had always imagined we could do a “makeover” on and we could have as a second home on the property. This house is where all the beautiful iris and jonquils were growing every spring. Also there were old country roses and not far were the blackberry patches. A beautiful place that could have been saved and I have since been told by my sister that my daddy had stored hay in the house. I can’t make since of that, didn’t he know what a treasure it was? As we drove a bit farther I searched frantically for the big sycamore tree by the little wading stream. Where was this huge tree that was my brothers climbing tree. He was the only one that actually went to the top, he was a daring young boy who in my eyes could do no wrong. Probably still a little true if I were to be honest. Where was that tree, I couldn’t find it, there was only a scruffy row of cedar trees and brush trees along the stream. How sad I was, had it fallen down from age, was this a foreshadowing of the beginning of my disappointment? Yes it was, as I looked ahead, I noticed that the distance from the stream to our old home had gotten very short also, I know it had been farther! The house looked awful! Old and gray and all grown up. There were cars which looked as if someone lived there. I did see the huge cedar trees in the corner of the yard that we would play marbles underneath because there was never much grass so it made for a good hard dirt ground perfect for marbles. The only problem was there were always a big chance we would be covered in ticks from those trees, to my momma’s dismay. As we sat there in the car, my sweet husband happy we had gotten there without being shot…yet! My oldest son and daughter in the back seat attempting to be good sports and endure this blast from the past even though I am sure they had better things to do. I sat there and felt an overwhelming sense of fear. Not a fear of being caught trespassing, for which we were, but a distinct fear, a fear of what I had lost. Why did I come back here? What was I thinking…..this place was Xanadu to me. This farm was the best years of my life, this was the very essence of who I am. Life on this farm was perfect, there was never any fear, always happy, running thru daisy fields, eating apples, playing fort, climbing trees and wading in the creek. My momma and daddy were in love, my brother and two sisters were coming of age. All was right in the world, or I had thought. In reality while looking at this disheveled property, over grown and not taken care of, I was reminded of the last days on the farm, the hurt and the pain and the sadness for which my family had endured. All that drama came rushing in on me in that very moment…as an adult, I then felt that pain, a pain I had never allowed myself to feel. For the first time I got it, I understand why I saw sadness in my families eyes, I was the only one who felt love and missed my beloved farm. At this moment I understood all that was lost and I could not get out of there quick enough. It broke my heart. I was taken by surprise by the emotions I was feeling, why did I ever go back there? As we drove back down the lane, my family was quiet, they knew I was trying not to cry, even though I was not successful, they respected me at that moment of pain. I am not sure they even understood why I was so upset, I am not sure if I did. They allowed me to ride that out and not mock me( in love, it’s our way), which would commonly be the next step, they allowed me to get through it and make the first joke. They love me and I know it. I couldn’t even explain it to them, as I am even struggling now to put in words the essence of what happened. I just know that what I had once held frozen in time, pure and beautiful became real, nothing pure nor beautiful, the back stage horror had been revealed. What a loss, what a waste. I had to come to terms with life back then. Forty one years ago a family had been torn apart, lives had been changed and we were no longer one big happy family. What is worse is, were we ever? The reality had been exposed. But at the same time a new reality was revealed….look how far I had come, look what God had given me in return, He made all things new, He gave me a family, one big happy one. Well in the name of full disclosure, One big happy, sad, real, sappy, loving, crazy, troubled, tormented yet totally honest family. We are blessed, not perfect, but REAL! That is the secret, keeping it real and putting God first and knowing that HE will sustain us even through the tough times. We have had tough times but we have had also some amazing times, raising four kids is never boring or easy and if I can keep, with God’s help, my brood together, safe, sane and in one piece if only to honor my parents, who lost their lives together with the family in tact. We were still a family though estranged, without our father, by his own choice only to have another family with kids, which was hurtful, but we survived. That is the goal, to survive it all and hopefully with grace and the ability to move forward. They say, you can’t go home again, actually you can, just don’t be freaked out when you get there and it is not what you thought it was. A home is a family and to be totally honest, my old home looked about like what our family had become, grey, disheveled and sad. Hence my tears, coming face to face with the stark reality of it all. But on the flip side, look how out of the ashes we came, all four of us kids, strong and survivors. Momma and daddy may have given us their best gift of all, a strong will. That is what I pray my four children are blessed with, a strong will, to live and experience life, no matter what comes against them, to endure battles and to remain strong in faith and keep the Lord alive in their hearts, as to continue this life, free from fear and burdens, have a family and love life. Touch other people’s lives and be a strong witness of what can happen when people are the best they can be. And once you make peace with the past then you can go forward to the future…no looking back, don’t want to turn into a pillar of salt, ya know!
Posted by Rosemary Mcknight Fritts at 7:33 AM
Cousins and such…
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2010
Cousins and such!
There is nothing like spending time with family during the holidays. Everyone is on their good behavior and using all the social graces that they can muster up to “get along” with everyone. I am not saying this isn’t a good idea, mind you, but it is during this time that I am most aware of the special bond we all have and that even though we all have aged, grown up and I am afraid, out(or maybe that’s just me!)it seems that we are all still the same. I am not sure if it is this way in all families but when I am around my siblings, I am still the youngest. Obviously I am because of my birth order, but I am also the youngest in the “pecking order”! This is not always a bad thing, I am still the one they all kinda still like, I was the one they all looked after and petted and loved on. And even though they all had to look after me, I still feel their love in so many ways which is surprising considering I was(still am) a bit spoiled. It is their fault, I say! I was a willing victim and will always revel in the security and honor of my position. Even though we are all adults, my Brother is still the Big Boss, Oldest Sis is still next boss in waiting, next Sis is the calm one and then there is me…well the perfect one! When we move to our extended family we have all the Aunts and Uncles. There is another dynamic going on with them that our parents have to deal with, leftover wars and sweet alliances but to me they are better than ever parents. They are the parents we wish we had, the parents that seem from the outside looking in to be the ones that we should have had. We love our own parents of course but these people are so sweet to us and live so much more exciting lives and their kids never got in to trouble like we did, or that is the way it seemed to us. Each one of my Aunts and Uncles hold a special memory and place in my heart and I could never thank them enough for the encouragement and kindness they have shown me. The last awesome family group is the cousins. They are the most special because they aren’t my siblings, they are siblings with special gifts and powers. They aren’t usually grouchy like your brothers and sisters, they are more fun and since you don’t get to see them as often, they can be the closest of confidants as well as the greatest master minds. For some reason you feel the ability to get away with so much more with the cousins. I have many memories of holidays when all the cousins were there at the grandparents home and the football games, the older ones would never let us “little” kids play, never fair but we just abide by the rules because they were the bosses, don’t ya know! I usually had an ongoing crush on most of my boy cousins, mostly because they were my pals since I was a tomboy but a little because they were so dang cute. Okay, when you are nine years old it’s not creepy, a crush is just that, the only way to explain how much you love those tough boys that let you hang out with them…sometimes and then when you grow up you realize how fun it is to sit at a Thanksgiving table with them all and listen to their stories, it never gets old to me and it is a memory I will carry with me always. These cousins are the best because the during this family dynamic there is just enough time to have fun without the possibility to have very many knock-down-drag-out fights that we siblings often do. They are siblings with a twist of gumdrops! I would comfortably say that I am blessed to have cousins that have encouraged me and loved me and the short time we are able to spend together is full of laughs and love that I will always cherish. I still have that crush on all of them and think of them fondly and look forward to tomorrow when we all get together and do it all over again…Happy Thanksgiving..ya’ll and the ones that we won’t see, you are in our hearts and prayers, but come home soon..please!
Posted by Rosemary Mcknight Fritts at 8:28 AM
Out with the old
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2010
Out with the Old…
Waiting out the end of the year while looking forward to what is to come in the new one is a normal part of each of our lives, for some reason it feels as if it has come sooner this year than in the past years, it still seems daunting. The past year went by in a flash and it doesn’t seem possible that it is almost over. Our family Christmas was special last year, our precious time together was highlighted with the loving thoughtfulness of my youngest son, he is the king of poignant cards, they made us laugh and cry all at the same time, we took note of the times that year that were hard and seemed as if they would never end, that Christmas we were all together, for maybe the last time. This year meandered along like a slow-moving locomotive, never really building up much steam, uneventful in many ways but there were days that were in seemingly slow motion and we hoped they would end and never replay, but as our life usually plays out we have more groundhog days than any family should have. These are the times in our lives when I just wish we could get a new log to trip over instead of the same old one. But on the bright side we have had some good days, seeing my son play his guitar in church again, will go down in history as my best day this year, I am sure there have been other good days, but with drama of children and starting a new job, enduring our beloved Nashville covered in flood waters and then losing a job, this has been a year of many ups and downs, so it is easy to say, I am done with it, on to better days and hopefully this will be the year that our direction will be made clear. I sense the need to get my bearings, to find a map, get on the right path and listen intently to what the Lord is saying. My fear is He isn’t saying or even worse, I am not listening. Time to shut it down, turn everything off, get alone and seek til I find. If I could be bold enough to ask for something this year..a clear direction. Time to take stock, time to clear the deck, feeling the need for some de-cluttering, unload the things that are pulling me down, ouch I am feeling that lose weight conviction too! Well I might as well get it all out at one time. I feel the need to look at anything that comes into my life and path that if it is not of virtue or is harmful in some way to my mind, body or spirit, I should count the cost. Lord help me along this journey, I am already getting worried…I believe, help my unbelief!
Posted by Rosemary Mcknight Fritts at 8:46 PM
preacherswifeintheknow 