Onward Christian Soldier

I have been in a very contemplative frame of mind lately….dangerous for sure! The past four days I have been on a journey to live; i.e. walking to live actually. I am also correcting my way of eating and let me be the millionth to say and even realize this…..that is the hardest part. It is all about the mastering of my mind. Well actually it is more the mastering of my flesh. There is a scripture that says..”the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!” I am not bold enough to believe that “I” can do this on my own….only with God’s help will I ever get very far along this journey. I have finally fought the battle of fear….or at least one of the wars for which I have been in for a very long time. Just like most of the valleys I have come through in my life, I see now that the valley was actually more like a small crevice that appeared to be larger than life. It is amazing how my mind can turn and form a thought pattern into such a self-destructive force. I have dealt with fear my whole life. Or really from the age of ten. I think that is what happens when there is a rip in your universe. As much as I wanted to be happy and feel secure, my mind would not allow it. I had always thought of life as one big “movie of the week.” When I was young we had three channels(back in the good old days!)(and TV was free, don’t get me started!ha) and on one of them there was always a movie of the week. This was about the time that the tragic stories immersed on the scene; all writers were writing the same kind it seemed and they all had to do with 747 plane crashes and towering inferno and little girls lost. I know that I am “dating” myself but back in the ’70’s it was all about action and major calamities. This is enough to scare ya to death or it did me. So as I grew up it seemed I always thought along those lines…” what would be the end result?” What if I did have great experiences and get a little farther away from home or what if I try to venture out into the unknown world? When you think that way you tend to allow fear to rule and reign and you keep from even enjoying life because you are frozen with horrible thoughts of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now, I would think that this would change when I had learned of the great and wonderful plan of Salvation. There was an escape route…so what if I had to come to my demise…there was heaven waiting for me. Cool and even cooler the more I learned about this “Magnificent Obsession” (good movie by the way, an old one)I was obsessed with the love of Jesus, yeah me! But then I had children…the story begins again…kidnapping and falling in old wells and sex, drugs and rock n roll(haha). Whats a mother to do..but worry. So once again fear surrounds me. Then life happens, things don’t always end well….much of the life that happens hangs around my neck like an albatross, weighing me down, day in and day out and one day you wake up and ding, ding, ding! I lived…..the devil had thrown all he could muster and I have survived…maybe a little worse for wear but also a lot wiser. A certain profit once said…(paraphrased)”Believe Jesus and mind him!”…WOW! That’s a whole lot of my problem…not the believing part..the minding part! I am not very good at allowing someone else to be the boss of me! Ha! As if I am in charge anyways….makes me laugh still. What part of resting in the Lord don’t I get? I seem to like to carry the heavy bag of worry and fear and faith-less-ness! GRRRR! So this brings me to today…walking to live! Unloading the big old bag of junk and allowing the Lord to take care of me, not blindly or as a stepford wife…anyone who knows me knows I am the least stepford wifey one of all. But that is what faith is all about..believing even though I am not seeing…yet! These little steps I am taking are steps closer to HIM and farther from the one who only wishes to instill fear. The Wizard of OZ couldn’t stay hid behind that curtain forever and it is time for me to let my faithful dog, Buddy help me pull the curtain back and see it’s all smoke and mirrors. Boo! I can do all things through Christ……yippie! Good news for all of us who are weary and are heavy laden. So even through the aches and pains of my half a century old body and the comfortable lifestyle I have become accustomed to I will walk and I will eat well and eat to live and not to fill voids and for no darn good reason. I would like to dramatize it all but it comes down to plain old lazy and allowing myself to be willful and not caring about my family enough to live the way Christ would have me to live…how wasteful of me. Thanks Lord for mercy and for the love I have been given. Onward Christian Soldier!!!!March!

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