I have always wondered how we can be lonely in a crowd. It seems to be a paradox and in my logic, utterly ridiculous. I do tend to think in black and white so the thought of lonesomeness in my big family is not a thing. But…. Who knew?
Without any kind of warning, I have been overwhelmed by the feeling of being lost. Not to compare to the feeling “of loss” for which would be even more frightening and I would not compare myself to one that has lost their husbands or wives or God forbid a child. My feelings of loss are far different and a bit ridiculous if I say so myself! No one has died! Get a grip! But, nonetheless I still have a lonesome heart.
If you know me, you know my constant clammer of …”why did we have so many people in our house at one time…. All these kids……why can’t they grow up….why do I have to be the one that looks after them all…. Why me Lord?….. whaaa! whaaa! whaaa!”I mean I’m tired of my own self! Okay I don’t think I was constant but I had a few days of frustration as any mother does. Then, throw in this little granddaughter in the mix.. she was a joy but Lordy she was a lot of stuff .. everywhere.. all over .. little bits and pieces, from stickers to legos to Barbies. One little person with such a personality and imagination(my granddaughter is more wonderful than yours ya know! Ha)that has changed my life for the better. I will never regret her living with us, we had that blessing with us for seven beautiful years, as well as her Mom, our beautiful daughter.
There is the rub… they moved… to another galaxy far, far away, to another galaxy actually only Florida but, it seems like a whole different planet! They are waaaayy down on the east coast, not the gulf coast that I could drive in six hours, ugh! I really am good with this move, it’s wonderful for them and I am excited for them to start their own life out from under us. It’s a good thing and needed to happen. They are safe and secure as they can be in this crazy world so I have no complaints nor fears. But…. I miss them, I miss my daughter so much. I have felt a sense of loneliness that has surprised me. I have been caught completely off guard. Who knew this mother would feel such loss over something so good. Actually our relationship could not be better now, I have my long awaited revenge.. her telling me things like..”how did you raise your kids?”… “good grief, how did you cook dinner every nite as well as breakfast and all the constant looking after it all!” It’s so funny how that happens, i told my Mom the same thing! The Circle of Life of course is still rolling as it should be, but I had never felt the loneliness. Until now.
I now understand my moms face when we would visit and leave. I get the sad smile. She was always so happy when me and my family would come to visit, she made it fun and fed us extraordinary food( long live the best chicken n dumplings forever) we basically took over and spread out and created chaos. She loved it and I’m sure so happy to get things back in order when we left… I know now she was also sad. It reminds me of visiting my Granny Maxwell and her smiling so big and asking me to just stay a little longer, her smile would be a little sad also when I left. Why did I not go more? If only I could go back to her house and my Moms. Now I am the mom and granny (Mamaw) and my smile turns sad also. Ugh that darn circle of life is a killer!
I realize I am more lonesome for my daughter, she was the only girl, she gets me, although we could fight like two wet hens, which my preacherman never understood to this day, we could go at it and in the next breath crack up laughing or slam a door and come back talking it out. We always knew where we stood, she knew she could tell me the hard stuff and I her, it’s like keeping a short list with God, then you don’t have to spend the first hour repenting so much, He knows anyways! We became friends and that is the greatest blessing of all. (I have that with my three boys too, I could not live any other way!) But I sure do miss this girl, I am lonesome without her and yes I should have appreciated the battle more.
I am really fine, I’m not crying you are crying! But I do feel the loss and have been attempting to fill the gap. Leaving my comfort zone and searching out friends. It is difficult when you are older… hang on to those friends people, they become few and far between and especially for people like us, in full-time ministry, it’s harder, we are perfect ya know and most people don’ t want to try to live up to our perfectness!! Pleeeeeaaasssse, Jesus knows better and so do I! I am probably more human than most of you out there in the “perfect”church world, you just don’t realize it. I just never realized how I depended on my kids, especially my daughter for friendship, I could have sworn they were the enemy! But it is okay.. I will get through this tribulation period(ha) and find my way.
On a good side note, I am painting more and reading and enjoying my home… but I’d give it all up to have a good girl talk! Reminds me how much I miss the preachermans Sister, she was my best friend until she went to the Lord. I will always be thankful for those few years with her, I have been blessed with several women who I have connected with over the years, who I hate to name because I’m sure there are those who would be hurt lololol( jk…Cheryl, Jane, Denise, Pilar, Karen, Sue, Trina…..) others some not so close but not to leave out my two Pillars of courage, my sisters, Sharon and Jan, that I could never live without and we do talk nearly daily which is most precious to me.
Maybe I needed to learn compassion or it’s just the way life is.. regardless it ain’t easy, like the preacherman s grandmother would say, “ getting old ain’t for sissy’s!” And I tend to be a sissy way too much! But, tomorrow is another day and I will forge ahead knowing my daughter is happy and my granddaughter is doing great and I will survive it all. They too will feel this loss in their own lives, I’ll be there to tell them “ I told you so!” Hee hee!